Lost in Him

Way to go Susan G. Komen

2012-02-01T20:51:00.001-05:00

Now Mary arose in those days and went into the hill country with haste, to a city of Judah, and entered the house of Zacharias and greeted Elizabeth. And it happened, when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, that the babe leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. Then she spoke out with a loud voice and said, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! But why is this granted to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy. Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.” Luke 1:39-45

Life, according to dictionary.com, is the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally. It would seem, that according to that definition, that a newly formed baby, in its mother's uterus, would qualify as life. I think it is life from the moment sperm and egg meet. I do understand that not everyone agrees with me.

I often think back to the scripture that I shared, Luke 1:39-45. Many times I have heard the argument that the fetus is just a fetus and that it isn't really who it is meant to be until it is born. But the passage in Luke shows me that that's not true. John the Baptist leapt in his mother's womb when he heard Mary's voice. He had been hearing other voices but it wasn't until he heard the voice of the one who also carried Jesus in her womb that he leapt. John the Baptist was who he was meant to be even as a 6-month-old fetus. And Jesus was who He was meant to be as an even younger fetus. They were alive, they were human, they were babies, they were Jesus and John, even from the very beginning.

But I cannot stomach the thought of all the babies that have to die every year because so many people disagree with me. It makes me sad that people think life is expendable.
So often I hear, "I would never have an abortion, but it's not my place to tell someone else they can't have one." But we do that, every day. We have laws that make it a crime to kill people, even unintentionally. If you are driving one day and you look away for a moment and then hit someone and kill them, you are charged with a crime, vehicular homicide.
Involuntary manslaughter is also a crime. Students who participate in hazing rituals can be charged with manslaughter if the person they are hazing accidentally dies.
No one ever thinks it is wrong to punish people who perpetrate these crimes. Why? Because it is a commonly held belief that to end another person's life is wrong.

I don't see the difference when it comes to abortion. If left alone, pregnancies will continue and a baby will eventually be born. There are some that end in miscarriage, but there are people who die natural causes every day, too.

I was very pleased to read that the Susan G. Komen foundation had decided to stop sending money to Planned Parenthood. SGK is stating it was not for political reasons, and I have no reason to doubt that, but it doesn't matter to me either way. The bottom line is that they will not be sending more money to PP. Planned Parenthood claims to be in the healthcare business. While I do believe they provide many services to many women, especially women who have no (or little) insurance, I believe their main business is making money. And the number one way they make money is by providing abortions. I do not believe that any money that comes from taxpayers should go to a business that provides abortions. I wish that the government thought that way as well, but for now, it doesn't.
But, I am all for a private company deciding on their own to stop funding PP. So my hat's off to Susan G. Komen.

I do want to add one thing that I am furious over. I have seen a lot of people that have blasted SGK and are saying they will never again support the foundation. I saw this statement on Facebook, "I am so furious about this. PP is the only access to healthcare many underserved women have. I wrote to them this morning. So disgusting." And many comments were made that said that this will hurt women.

And it's so preposterous! I did some research. I only picked a few states, but I checked on how many PPs there were in these states and I checked on how many health clinics (funded by the governement) there were and found that it doesn't even come close. PP/HC for these states: Alabama 2/154, Arizona 13/131, Arkansas 2/76, California 116/1022, North Carolina 9/171, Pennsylvania 41/234, New York 68/442, Hawaii 3/76, Wisconsin 27/86.
Wow! I just don't see that women will not have access to healthcare if PP doesn't get funding. Now, of course, I don't know if any of these clinics get funding from SGK. I am making an assumption that SGK will still be funding breast cancer screenings and mammograms at all kinds of clinics around the country, just not PP. So even if PP were to have to shut all its doors (which it doesn't, it still gets funding from other sources and makes a profit), women would still have access to healthcare.

It's not an issue of healthcare, it's about abortion. No matter how everyone tries to package it, it still comes back to abortion. PP is in the business of providing abortions and they make money doing so. Therefore PP wants to make sure that everyone who is pro-choice supports their business. So they use the strawman argument. If they can get people to believe that they are the #1 provider of women's healthcare, and that if they are defunded women don't get healthcare, then they win. But it's not true.
Women will still have access to healthcare even if every PP shut down. I would prefer the government (and everyone who gives money to PP) take all monies going to PP and shift them to the health clinics. I want uninsured women to be able to be treated. I just prefer they be treated in a place that doesn't also perform abortions.

I'm in Marvelous Light!

2012-01-29T14:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it appears as if God thinks I can't take a hint. He sure keeps telling me the same thing over and over again.

This time He was telling me through the sermon at church this morning. I love to listen to our pastor preach the sermon. For the last year or so, we've been going line through line through the book of Ephesians. I love that Pastor Paul teaches us directly from the Bible. He doesn't add to it. And he always cautions us not to add to it. But he also tells us that we are to test it, not the Bible, but his sermon. He lets us know that he is only human and that it is our responsibility to read the Bible and make sure that what he is preaching is biblical. That is awesome! And I also love how Pastor Paul is faithful to bring the message that God has for all of us.
I find it interesting how God uses the message to reach people, often reaching people that the pastor may not have realized.

That's what happened to me today. I took away something from the message that I don't think Pastor Paul intended, but God intended for me to get it.
The sermon was "A Different Walk" on Ephesians 4:17-24. The verse that really stuck out for me was v17 ...that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk... There's been a theme on my blog since I started writing again, the idea that the world is different and that I am trying to figure out what that means to me. I've been too concerned with how the world views me. And obviously I needed a big wake-up call, a 2X4 to the head is more like it.

Pastor Paul always gives us sermon notes, and I'm following along, listening intently (after all, God was speaking right to me this morning) and I read this bit, "Why do we have to be different? Because we are different!" It was like Pastor Paul had read my blog. I've been feeling so out of step with the world and feeling different, and like I didn't belong. Well, dang, it's because I don't belong.
Light bulb moment!!!! I am no longer part of the worldly part of this world. Peter says, "But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9

I just need to keep reminding myself (or just listen to God who keeps reminding me) that I am a new creation, I have a new heart, my new nature is calling me out of the sinful one, I need to strip off my old coat- let the Holy Spirit peel back layer after layer of sin to let the new me through. I should not imitate my dead self, the sinful self, I should reflect my inner self which is filled with the Holy Spirit.

And if it takes God reminding me every day, if it takes writing it in my blog every day, I am going to keep trying. Every day.

Continuation

2012-01-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

Well, God keeps telling me to keep my eyes on Him and then it will stop being so important what the world thinks of me.
In my Bible reading, I came across a section I needed so much now.
James 4:4-10 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

I have still been reading online, not as much, but what I am reading isn't bothering me like it was. I am doing my best to draw near to God, and as He promises, He is drawing nearer to me. I can feel His presence.

It is in times like these I realize that I shouldn't try to do it alone. It is only by God that I can do what I need to do. He carries me.
Thank you Father.

That reminds me of a chorus we sing at church:
Thank you oh my Father, for giving us Your Son. And leaving Your Spirit til the work on earth is done.

Again, I can only do it because He is with me.

Seeing things through the right eyes

2012-01-24T15:31:00.001-05:00

I've been feeling a bit down about my life.

Wait, no, that's not quite right. I've been feeling down that there are people who think I am a whack-a-doo when I don't think I am. Or am I? Or at least, I've been wondering if maybe I'm missing something and I really am a whack-a-doo.

I spend too much time online. I also care too much what other people think about me.
Case in point:
I get worked up when I read about people who aren't Christian and think I'm doing it all wrong. Well, not so much they think I'm doing it all wrong, but primarily that they disagree with homeschooling and the Bible. It bothers me, even though I know it shouldn't, that people think that I am stupid. I read a lot of stuff online and I see places where people get together and bash Christians. Not all Christians, but ones like me. Ones that believe in a literal Bible; ones that teach their children to believe it, too; ones that believe that God created the world in 6 literal days; ones that believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven; ones that believe that people who don't believe that Jesus was God's only son will go to hell; ones that believe that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin; ones that believe, okay, I could go on and on, but I've made my point. Often the people talking will talk about how fundies (as they call Christians like me) are stupid, repressed, deluded, brainless, etc. The thoughts that we have no intelligence because we believe in creationism is what really sends me over the edge.

Logically, I know it doesn't matter at all what they think, but unfortunately, my heart hurts when I read it. And again, logic would say just don't read it. But it's like a sickness and I just can't stay away.

It got so bad recently that I started thinking maybe there was something I was missing. Maybe....

You know, sometimes the world feels good and right. I want to believe what I hear. I want to say it's okay for people to love who they want to love and live how they want to live. I mean, it breaks my heart when I hear about how people are discriminated against because they are gay, or black, or Muslim, or Arab, or, or, or whatever. And I agree that discrimination is wrong. And even worse when it turns to violence. It makes me so very sad. And I want to protect everyone.

It sounds right to say that we shouldn't say it's wrong to love someone just because they happen to be the same sex as you. It feels right to say that we should love everyone and welcome them and take care of them no matter what. (and we should do that part)

So I felt like maybe I was missing something, maybe God wanted for me to be open and accepting and not teach my kids that the Bible is the be all end all. That maybe being good and kind and loving is enough. And I wondered why they saw it differently than I did. How did they not see it my way if indeed my way is the right way, the true way, God's way? (not that I always get it 100% right)

Then God showed up. In a big way. I was reading in Corinthians and the Spirit started glowing all over the place. Listen to this: "But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God.... but the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can they know them, because they are spiritually discerned.... But we (*the believer) have the mind of Christ." taken from 1 Corinthians 2:10-16 (*added by me)

So what this says to me is that they don't understand, they don't get it because they don't have the Holy Spirit. So how would they be able to understand where I'm coming from? They can't. So they will never understand it, never think I'm right, unless they become a believer, unless they allow themselves to become open to the Spirit.
And so I'm not doing it wrong. Well, I'm sure there are some things I'm doing wrong, but because I am looking at God, and trying to live the way He wants me to, He will take care of the things I'm doing wrong in the right way and time.
So somehow, I have got to let go of the concern about the rest of the world. I need to remember that it is only God I need to be pleasing. And if I am pleasing Him, the rest won't matter.
And one of the ways to keep pleasing Him is to keep reading the Bible every day. When I do, I find that it's easier to remember that it's Him I should be concerned about, it's His ways that I should be striving towards, it's His approval I should be seeking.

I'm going to keep making this mistake. I know that it's something that still has a grip on me. But I know where to look for help. And I know He won't ever let me down.

**I just remembered that I wrote a post very similar to this only 3 weeks ago. H'uh. Still haven't learned this lesson yet it seems. I keep talking a big talk but I keep falling right back into the same place. I hope, I pray that this time things will be better. It's pretty sad that it took less than 3 weeks for me to forget that I wasn't going to worry about what the world thinks about me. But, the one thing I hope I learned this time was to keep in the Bible. I had gotten out of my daily routine of reading every day. In fact, I had slipped into reading only once a week. Maybe this time, keeping the word in my daily life will be just what I need to learn this lesson. This is a lesson I will learn eventually. I will get there. I will. But only because I have God.**

Migraines

2012-01-22T00:24:00.004-05:00

Migraines suck. That's all.

Okay, well, anyone who knows me knows that is not all. Can't just write 4 words and call it a night.
But I don't want to type. I just typed this morning. But I went to bed at 9 and got the worst of the migraine pain over. So now it's almost midnight and I woke up hungry and I hate to waste a perfectly quiet house.

I love journaling. That's what I think of this as, not blogging. Blogging seems like something professional writers do and get paid lots of money for. Their blogs all decked out with lots of links and colorful ads and posts that have a clear message, with a beginning, middle, and end, and they all three go together. Yeah, that would not be this blog.

But I like to write out my thoughts. It was something drilled into me by Ms. Simpson and Ms. Myers way back all those years ago in high school. They were my English and Creative Writing teachers. I had Ms. Simpson for 9th and 11th grade Honors English, and Ms. Myers for 10th grade Honors English, 10th and 11th Creative Writing, and 12th grade AP English. Boy, would they be shaking their heads now. Maybe. Maybe not. Or probably. Because they were both very, very liberal. And I don't think we'd agree on much now. But they did teach me a lot.

I was always a reader. I cannot remember when I didn't have my nose pressed in a book. I do remember being told to "put that book down and go play!" I lived in a fantasy world of books. They spoke to me. I listened and spoke back. I imagined that I lived in the pages, that at any moment someone would turn the page and my next adventure would start. I imagined I was a long lost Russian czarina missing since she was a tiny baby, her parents desperately trying to find her. I was a twin, separated from my sister and one day we ran into each other at the store. I was the homecoming queen, a cheerleader, an opera singer, a ballerina, a world famous pianist, a softball star, a time traveler. I was every character I ever read about, and all the ones I could only imagine. I started inventing my own stories; I started my own great American novel at least 20 times. I would act out the stories in my room. Every trip to the store or doctor's office was a chance to add another chapter in my head. And the books didn't have to be masterpieces. Any book that told a story, that allowed me to be caught up in the telling of it, that was a book good enough for me.

My mother would take me and my brothers to the library on Saturday. She would drop us at the front door and arrange to meet us in an hour. She and I and my brothers would spread out in 4 different directions like arms of a compass. I would head straight for the fiction. I would pick out however many books you were allowed to check out at once and then get one more. I would see how long each book was and then start to read the shortest one. It was a sad, sad day when I couldn't finish and had to decide which book to leave. Parting with one book was torture. Finishing one was worse. It meant I was done with my life, my friends, that story.
Even now, I just close my eyes and I can feel and smell and hear the books, the smooth pages, the older pages, the musty smell, the sound of a new spine cracking open, the sound of the pages turning, the crinkle of cellophane, the give of paperback, or the stiffness of hard cover. I can also vividly recall the day I came home only to remember I had left a book outside on the patio and our puppies had not realized its worth. That was a tough day.
I never have trouble in a library or bookstore. Or at least, the only trouble I have is how to not take all the books with me.

And so in the process, I have developed my own language, the language of books. There are words I don't remember learning but I know them. I've never looked them up in a dictionary but I can see them and know what they mean and use them properly. But imagine my surprise and embarrassment when quite often I cannot pronounce them.
But I have been given the gift of words. I love words, they are beautiful. They tell us when to laugh, to cry, to get angry, to forgive, to love, to let go, to feel. I feel blessed that I can use them as I can. But I can also recognize mastery in others. I cannot tell a story. I meander around, take the road less traveled, and rarely get back on point. I start out telling one story and end with another sometimes forgetting that I started it aloud or in a place where others could see, and not just in my head. I can follow all the twists and turns, and so I love my meanderings. But it doesn't always lead to others being able to find their way. It can be confusing and distracting. But it's me, and it's beautiful and powerful, and necessary for me.
And I love it.

And so I find it comforting, even with my head pounding a bit, to sit here in this quiet house and let the words flow. It's something I've been missing. An old friend who I forgot all about.
Had I not gotten this migraine, I would have sat at the computer tonight, watching some show or movie, I would have been knitting, and sometimes reading what someone else wrote on facebook or another blog. But that's not what happened tonight. Tonight I got another migraine, and for once I am glad.

Depression

2012-01-21T10:22:00.003-05:00

Depression. Webster's dictionary defines it as (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

I've never considered myself depressed. Well, at least I didn't used to. I just never realized that people could truly be happy. I don't know how much of this is related to just my personality, or genetics, or my childhood. But I never really felt an overall sense of happiness in my life.

Even as a child I just moved from moment to moment, enjoying myself somewhat, but never with the glee I've seen from other people. When asked what is my favorite childhood memory, I can't really answer. I can tell you about my childhood, I can tell you about traumatic memories, I can tell you about general memories, but I can't tell you about happy ones. When I remember things that should have been happy memories, I can remember the moment, but I can't remember feeling joy in those moments.

But to be completely honest, I don't really have the greatest memory anyway. I can't tell you how many times one of my brothers will talk about something from the past and I have no memory of it. And now that I've gotten back in touch with old high school friends (thanks to facebook) I'm amazed at how many things they remember that I just can't recall.

Maybe I just have a faulty memory, or maybe it's that there wasn't much good to remember.

But I can't blame it on a terrible childhood. In some ways, yes, I didn't have the idyllic childhood. My parents separated when I was 2. My father was present in my life but he won't ever win any father of the year awards, at least not from me. And I don't have a lot of warm fuzzy memories of him from when I was little. But I don't have that many of my life with my mom either, and she does deserve a mom of the year award. So it's just a terrible memory on my part.

Or maybe it's that I was depressed even back then.

Once, several years ago, I saw a commercial for an allergy medicine. It showed people going about their lives with a film over everything. And when they took the medicine, the film was stripped away and everything was clear.

A light bulb went off for me when I saw that commercial. I realized that that's what I felt like. It's like there's always been a film over my life. Always.

Then someone told me about dysthymia. It fits me perfectly, especially this: "in general, you may find it hard to be upbeat even on happy occasions." To be fair, I haven't been diagnosed with this. I don't particularly like going to doctors. But there is no doubt in my mind that this is what I have.

I've been on medication for my depression before, and it helped. And I have no doubt that if I went to a doctor now, I would only have to ask for medication and I would get it. But I don't want to. I want to be able to handle it myself.

Heh, I just read what I typed and realized something. I'm not approaching this the right way. What I really should have said is that I want to handle this with God's help. Or, even better, I want God to handle this.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I can't do it alone. I can try everything possible but without God's help, I can't do it.

I did however come to realize that the only way I do ever start feeling better is by spending more time with Him. It's so hard to see that when I am in a very bad cycle of depression, but when I actively read my Bible, pray, spend time with other believers, the dark doesn't overwhelm me like it can. There is more light when I am spending time with Jesus. Which, hey, truly just makes sense. He tells us all about it.

Psalm 48:14 For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 71:20-21 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.

Nahum 1:7 The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.

I mean, look at that! Do you see how many scriptures I found in just a short time? And there are so many more. When I am reading the Bible, it is easier to see these. When I am allowing this world to win, I close my eyes and my heart and I don't see these wonderful promises that God has given me in His word.

I'm not trying to oversimplify it. I know the benefit of medication. And I believe that God blessed me with medication in the past. And I know that there are times when it is necessary, and it's what God uses to help people. I just know that I hate taking it. And I want to do it without having to take it. And I know that there is no way I can do it without God. I can't. I've tried. And all that happens is that I stay in a state of "sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies."

That won't do. I don't like living like that. And I don't have to. With God on my side, I can do all things. Nothing is impossible with His help. But that doesn't mean I just do what I want and He cleans up after me. I have to do my part. Whenever I look back at the hard times, the times I felt the most underwater, it was those times I wasn't spending time with Him. The times that I glory in His presence, those are the times that no matter what is going on, I can handle it. I can get through, I can find some joy.

Maybe I won't ever feel like that film is completely off of my life, at least not this side of heaven. But when I let Him in, when I spend time with Him, then it is so much brighter, life is so much sweeter, everything is so much happier. There, I said it, happier. God makes me happier.

Thank you Lord, for making me happier. And please help me stay that way.

PS, Is it obvious that I'm in one of my better cycles right now? I've been reading my Bible every day, worshipping more, praying more, spending more time with Jesus. I guess it makes sense that I am happier right now.

Disclosure

2012-01-01T19:14:00.005-05:00

I am Lisa; a human, a Christian, a wife, a mother, and I'm sure many other things. I am done trying to be a people pleaser; I am done censoring myself; I am done worrying about what anyone else thinks of me. I refuse to apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am me; take me or leave me.

I have been reading things online recently about the ATI/QF movements and it's made me do a lot of searching in my heart. On the surface, I often agree with some of the tenets of the movement, but when I dig a little deeper, there is a lot to disdain. But I do not know enough about it at all, and my post isn't really about that.
Through the course of my readings, I have also come across those who have been hurt by the movement. I have seen people who have completely turned their backs on God because of the hurt, I have seen others who have turned their backs on the movement but still trust God.
And then there are some who still believe in God but have wholeheartedly turned against anything that even remotely resembles the movement, even when those things may not be even slightly hurtful.

Okay, it sounds as if I am talking in riddles. I do not mean to. I read a blog today written by a man that was hurt by the ATI/QF movement and in the process has an issue with all kinds of things now, including any form of religious homeschooling.
So, yeah, I read that and got a little upset, and defensive.

I've been thinking about why, why did I get so upset, so defensive? And part of it is because he's right. (he's wrong, too) Some people, some Christians are just parroting back what they hear and read. Some just try to do what they think they are supposed to do without ever once thinking about why, or (gasp) reading the Bible and finding out what they really should be doing.

I've done it. I've been that person who just did what I was told without thinking about why. But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not even the person who started this blog. As a thinking human being, I change. There are things I've written on this blog that I don't agree with anymore. I have been so many different people in my life, and I don't think that I am the person now that I will be when I'm 80.
I've been a Christian for almost my whole life. I believe completely, 100%, that I was saved as a child. I always believed and had a relationship with Jesus. But it's changed over the years. I've been a Southern Baptist, a Methodist, a (can't think of the word but I believed once that maybe Jesus wasn't the only way to heaven, maybe Buddha, maybe Gandhi, maybe Mohammed, maybe anyone else was right, too), a Pentecostal, a Charismatic, and probably a lot of other people along the way. And now I've settled into just a plain old woman who believes that Jesus is my Savior, that He is the only way to heaven, and that He guides us through His word.

I also believe that there will be many different Christians in heaven. In my walk with Christ, I have been a very judgmental and self-righteous follower. As I have grown in my faith, I have tended to look down on those who weren't where I was spiritually. You know the type: I don't do XYZ so I am a better Christian than ________; and I do XYZ, and so-and-so doesn't so maybe they aren't really a Christian.
Yep, been there, done that. And not all that long ago in some cases. And really, still working on not being that person again.

Okay, so I was that person. I was self-righteous and judgmental. But I changed. Because I am not some fundamental robot that only takes in the words of others, and because I am always trying to draw closer to Jesus, I changed. And I have come to a place where I realize that not every Christian believes the same things I do, that not every Christian is in the same place as I am. And that there doesn't have to be a wrong or a right. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some things that can only be one way, that are either right or wrong. I will not try to make a list because I would surely not make it perfect but I do believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven. I believe that unless a person has a personal relationship with Him, they are not a Christian. Just believing in God, just being a good person, just being spiritual, just saying you are a Christian does not cut it.
But I no longer believe that just because you do XYZ that you are a Christian either, or are a better Christian. I will always strive to be more like Jesus, always. I will never succeed. NEVER. So there is probably something I am doing wrong now that I will one day recognize, be convicted of, and work to change. But that doesn't mean that someone who has already worked on this thing is any better than me. It just means that we all have things we need to work on, we all have issues that God is trying to deal with us about, we all sin. And these things will be dealt with in different ways with different people.

So who am I to condemn others? I am not God. I am Lisa, human, not divine. Not my job.

So, what does this have to do with the blog I read earlier? (Can you tell I will never be a professional writer? I write journal style and it doesn't always flow, but it's how I write, and what works for me.)
While he was right in some ways about how Christians are in homeschooling, sheltering their children, parroting back what they have read, etc, he is wrong, too. He has a list of things that, if you can answer yes to, means you are part of this negative movement, and lumps all in with ATI/QF. And that's not true. I can say yes to many of the things on his list, but I am not at all like those in the ATI/QF movement that he is so hurt by. I think, I reason, I search for answers. While I make mistakes and too often trust without searching the truth, I recognize this flaw and am trying to do better. I am also trying to instill this in my children. I do not want them to blindly follow my faith. I want them to question, to think for themselves, to truly have their own personal relationship with Jesus. I tell them and show them what I believe, but I also ask them what they believe. I want them to believe the way I do, but I will not force them to. I want it to be a choice, not a command.
But I also refuse to paint families who aren't like me who also homeschool for religious reasons with as wide a brush as this man has. It is not for me to judge anyone. And I don't like being judged by anyone either.

And that is why I got so upset when I first read this post. I felt judged. I felt judged by someone I don't even know, by someone who doesn't know me, who doesn't know anything about my life. And I finally realized that it's ridiculous. There will always be people who judge me. I will probably always judge others unfairly. It's wrong and I will try not to, but I will probably fail. And by the same token, others will continue to judge me, wrongly or rightly. It will happen. And if I continue to get so upset every time I perceive that someone is judging me I will spend a lot of my life being upset. So I'm going to try not to get upset. I am going to hold my head up high and boldly do what I believe to be right. I love God, I want to be more like Jesus. My way may be different than someone else's, but that doesn't mean that my way is wrong. It may be wrong for someone else, but it's right for me. I am doing what I know God wants me to do. Me, not someone else. Me. Lisa. And I have friends who are Christian who wear revealing clothing, who watch/read Harry Potter, who own a television, who don't own a television, who homeschool, who send their kids to public school, who encourage their daughters to sign purity pledges, who encourage their sons to want to marry virgins, who push for gay rights, who push for one man/one woman being the only true marriages, who are against abortion in any form, who aren't too concerned about abortion, who listen to secular music, who only listen to Christian music, who watch secular movies/tv shows, who don't watch anything, who drink beer, who think no one should drink any alcohol. I could go on and on. Christians do not fit into a cookie cutter mold. We do not all look the same. But it doesn't mean that one is more Christian, more deserving of grace, better than those who are different. But I am tired of trying to explain myself, trying to prove myself to those who don't agree with me. I am who I am. I am ever changing, ever growing, hopefully growing closer to Jesus every single day.

I am Lisa; a human, a Christian, a wife, a mother, and I'm sure many other things. I am done trying to be a people pleaser; I am done censoring myself; I am done worrying about what anyone else thinks of me. I refuse to apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am me; take me or leave me.

Reflections

2011-12-30T21:21:00.000-05:00

As the year comes to a close and a new one dawns, we tend to look back and weigh the year to see if it met our expectations. Children are born, people die, new jobs start, old jobs end, books read, houses purchased, divorces, separations, hellos, goodbyes, the list could go on and on. In the end, we put the year into a plus or minus, red or black, good or bad.

But I don't want to do that this year. Yes, the year has held some ups and downs, but any year that ends, and any year that I can reflect on is a good year. I'm alive. I'm here. I lived through another year. And even if I didn't survive the year, ignoring the fact that I wouldn't be writing this post, it would mean that I was present with my Lord. So how can it not turn out to be a good year?

I don't make resolutions. Resolutions are broken, never kept. And truly, anything important enough to be made into a resolution should be put into practice as soon as you realize the need, well before January 1st rolls around again.
There are some things in my life that I am trying to improve. The number one most important thing is my relationship with Christ. It always seems as if that is the first thing I let go. Then others follow quickly. And I could make a list a mile long of things I wanted to do better, ways to improve myself, things I wanted to accomplish. But I have no hope of ever being able to cross those things off my list permanently without the help of Jesus. Sure, maybe I could get better for a time, or change for a season, but real, honest improvement comes for the Lord.

It's so easy to forget the little things. Breath, air, sleep, food, clothing, the ability to walk, water, being able to read, laughter, tears, friendship, love. All of those things come from God. I can strive to attain all of those things for myself, I can even fool myself into thinking I have them. But without God, it's all just an illusion. He is love. He is the giver of every good and perfect gift. It is only because of Him that I wake up every morning, take a breath, take a step, live my life. The thing I hope most to accomplish this coming year is to draw closer to Him.

Without Him, nothing else matters. When I reflect on the past year, it is Him I want to see, where He touched my life, the walk that we took together. When we look into a mirror we see our reflection. I hope, I pray that when I look into the mirror of each year that the reflection staring back at me is Him.

A new year, a new challenge

2011-12-27T16:57:00.001-05:00

I have been completely slacking in the Bible reading department lately. I can't put my finger on why, but I just can't seem to keep it up. And it shows.

So when a friend sent me a link to the 3650 challenge, I was very intrigued. So intrigued that I decided to try it. I started gathering all the details, mentioned it to my mother (who then promptly decided she wanted to try it as well), and started preparing for January 1st. I even made myself an excel spreadsheet to use to keep track of my daily readings. There is a schedule for the challenge, but it's in more of a list form and I like seeing each chapter I need to read each specific day of the month. I'm really excited.

I read through the information about the challenge from the man who designed it, Grant Horner, and there were a couple of things that stood out to me in such clarity that I was awestruck. He talked about having occasionally done the reading in slightly different ways but that the key was to stick with it for at least 30 days. "The key is to get into a habit for a month. Then you'll see you've probably been starving yourself." A light bulb went off when I read that. I have been starving myself. I have not been spending time with my Lord. And that is something that should never happen. I should be spending time with Him daily.

One other thing that Grant Horner said was "Your Bible is the only thing on Earth that, as you wear it out, will actually work better and better." Wow! Another light bulb moment. Isn't that so true? If I am wearing out my Bible by reading it so much, well, then I am getting closer and closer to God. And as I get closer and closer to Him, my life will definitely get better and better.

I am so ready for this new challenge. I wonder why I waited so long.

Look at the Lord

2011-12-06T22:15:00.002-05:00

Tonight, Monkey was playing with the Veggie Tales nativity. He asked if he could put it under the tree. I said fine and then went to look at it. He had arranged all of the figures facing in and I asked him why. He said, "They all want to look at the Lord."

I am struck by the fact that my almost 5 year old has such insight that many grown adults don't have. What matters most is that we look at the Lord.
It's such a struggle this time of the year. We are trapped in a crazy, plastic, jingly, artificial world that tells us to buy more stuff. It's like we've been hypnotized. We dash around like mad trying to find just the right thing for every person on our list. Even churches get in on it. There's all kinds of activities, everyone tries to outdo each other. There's plays, songs, crafts, each one bigger and better than last year. We whip ourselves into a frenzy and we forget what really matters.

I am trying to do it this year. I'm going to do my best to keep looking at the Lord.

Well hello stranger!

2011-11-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

Hey, I have a blog. I'd almost forgotten.

And tonight isn't the night I'm going to resurrect it either. I do want to type a little just to remind myself of what I used to do.
Since I started knitting, I tend to do that in my evenings and typing doesn't fit. But I really have some things I would like to write about.

Maybe it'll happen.

Blessings

2011-08-15T11:38:00.000-04:00

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,
We know the pain reminds this heart this is not, this is not our home.

This song ministers to my soul. It helps remind me that God hasn't left me, He hasn't forgotten me, He never changes, His mercies are new every morning, His promises are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Sometimes life bogs me down and I tend to wallow in self-pity. But I need reminders that He is always there to catch me, that it's me that runs away, He never leaves. And I can rest in that promise.
And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed. ~Deuteronomy 31:8

Just call me Snaggletooth

2011-08-10T10:45:00.001-04:00

Life.... it keeps right on happening even when we want it to slow down.

In the past month, so many things have happened that have given me reason to lean more on God. And yet, I still feel so far away from Him.
A friend from high school lost her 6 year old son. Another friend celebrated her daughter's 15th birthday even though she lost her daughter ten years ago.
Someone I know online lost her husband and must figure out how to raise her two young sons alone.

It's hard to know how to handle such grief.

And I am inadequate.

I am wallowing in my own little world of self-pity. Our car had to be towed to the mechanic. Our computer got a virus and we had to replace it. The boys are growing out of everything they own and need new clothes and shoes ASAP. And last night I lost a cap on one of my front teeth so a trip to the dentist is needed.

And then I feel guilty even spending a moment worrying about these small things when I have friends dealing with so much more.
I shouldn't even be worrying at all.

Matthew 6:25-34
“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Very clear, huh?
The day my friend was celebrating her daughter's birthday by visiting her grave, I had a panic attack. I've never had one before and I pray I never will again. Hub took Dino on a hiking trip with some other guys and their sons. I knew they were heading into the mountains and were going to be seeing some waterfalls. I kept picturing Dino falling. Over and over and over again I pictured it. I could feel my heart pounding, my pulse racing, I was sweaty, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I can't imagine life without my boys. I don't want to be without them. I don't wish for them to beat me home.
But I have to rest in Him, I have to trust that He has a plan and it is right. If it is my plan to survive losing a child, so be it. I will have to survive it. And the only way I can is with God's help.

No, that's not quite right. I can't survive it at all. It would only be because God carried me through it, only because of Him. I can do nothing; it is the Holy Spirit in me that does what needs to be done.

Okay, yeah, so I'm really just babbling along here. Not even staying on topic. Huh. But I feel lighter.
Father, thank you for being my Savior, my Comforter, my Protector, my Lord. Thank you for leading me the right way, for shining the light in the direction I must go. I pray that I will learn to follow Your commands, to live the life You have for me instead of trying to live the life I have in mind for me. Your way is perfect; You have the perfect plan for my life. I want to live that life. With Your help, I can. Lord, protect my family. Keep us all healthy and help us all to live long lives. But if that isn't in our plan, Father I ask that You be with us, carry us through any difficult times. Help us to remember that it is only through You that we can make it. I love You Abba.
In Jesus Holy Name, Amen.

It's me

2011-07-21T13:41:00.000-04:00

I'm struggling. I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time getting into this session of Bible in 90 Days. I'm doing well with the ladies I am mentoring and I have no problem praying for them. But I can't get into the reading. There is something blocking me. And I haven't yet figured out what it is.

Er, that's not entirely true. I'm sitting in front of the computer night after night, watching stupid TV shows. I should be reading, but I'm not. Or at least, if I'm going to spend my evenings watching shows, I should find another time during the day to do my reading. But I find that I stay up too late. I've been watching some on Netflix and there is always another episode (or movie) waiting to be watched. And the clock creeps later and later and yet I still sit and watch. And then I'm so exhausted the next morning I sleep until one of the kids jumps on me. Sigh.

And it's not working for me.

I can feel that I am drifting further and further away from God. And I don't like it. But the human in me is being stubborn and refusing to give up my late nights.

And it's catching up with me. I am crabby, and cranky, and irritable, and I lose my temper easily.

Sigh.

I guess I do know what's blocking my reading. It's me.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind (or not really in the back, it's right up front) I knew that I could catch up in the reading in August. Dino starts football practice on the 1st and I have three days a week, two hours at a time, to sit in the car and read. I did that last year. I really enjoyed those afternoons. I could focus on the Word and really grasp what I was reading.
But I wasn't behind when football started. And I was already in a good place in regards to reading. I wanted to be spending time in the Word. Right now I'm looking at it as a chore, something that has to be checked off my list. And I don't want to do that. I want to read for the right reasons.

And I do want to read right now. I just have to decide which is more important, God or TV. I know the right answer, I just have to act on that knowledge. And the only way I can do that is with the help of the Holy Spirit. I have no strength to do it on my own. I must rely on Him.

So, from this point forward, I'm doing it. I refuse to give in to my sin nature any longer. I am going to put my Bible reading first, above everything else. I can do this. I will do this.

Comfort Zone

2011-07-10T14:01:00.000-04:00

I stepped out of my comfort zone today. It was extremely hard, one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. There were plenty of opportunities for me to back out, but I kept moving forward and did it. And I am so glad I did. I was blessed in doing it and I know I can keep going forward.

So, what did I do you ask? Oh, you weren't asking? Well I'll just pretend you were and tell you anyway. 'Kay?

I like to sing. I'm one of those people you see driving down the road singing at the top of their lungs. I sing to the kids. I sing while doing housework. I don't actually sing in the shower, don't know why. When I was younger (high school and early 20's) I sang with the choir at church. But that's all. I've never sung by myself in front of people other than my family. I get very nervous and shake when I just talk in front of a big group. I am very shy and introverted.
So, it was amazing that I stood in front of the whole church this morning and sang with 3 other people.

I've been praying that God would show me a way that I could be of service to Him. I know that being the wife and mother He wants me to be is being of service, but I wanted to do more if it was something He was asking me to do. So I've been praying that He would show me.

Over the years, people who stood near me in church would tell me I had a good voice. I've heard it from family and friends. But I have never felt like I could do anything about it.
Last summer we started going to a new church. We felt like it was "home"; we knew God was calling us to this church. It has felt right from the beginning. And several of the people had again told me I had a good voice. One lady in particular, one of the pianists, kept telling me I needed to join the music team and sing sometime. I still wasn't ready.
Then a few weeks ago, the lady who is in charge of who sings and plays for the service came up and asked me if I'd join in. She said some little birdies told her I had a good voice. So she asked me if I'd think about it, pray about it, and let her know.

I panicked. But God was very clear. He wanted me doing this. The following Sunday I agreed to be a part of the music team. Then the very first Sunday I was to sing, we had to go out of town at the last minute.
So this morning was my first time. Whoever sings on Sunday morning meets to practice at 8:30. I am not a morning person but was determined to make it. I was a tiny bit late, but I made it. It took all the strength I had in me to make the first step toward the door. Well, scratch that, it took the strength of Jesus to get me in the door. If it had been up to me, I wouldn't have done it.
But it turned out that they weren't practicing until 9:30 this morning. So I had a great way out. I could have just missed completely and I probably wouldn't have been missed because it was an unscheduled change.

But with God's help and strength, I showed up at 9:30 to practice. And even more remarkable, I walked up front during the service when it was time. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way up front.
And again, even more remarkable, when it was time to actually open my mouth and sing, I actually opened my mouth and sang. Me! I still noticed the people, but it ceased being about them and became about Him. I was worshipping Him and the song just came. I stood there very stiff, but my voice was clear and I sang for God, I sang for Jesus. And I am going to go back and do it again next Sunday.

God is so good!

Bible in 90 Days

2011-07-09T12:30:00.000-04:00

It's that time again! And I'm so excited!

Excited enough that I will be back later tonight and actually blog about it. Promise. ;-)

What, don't believe me??? Cause my stellar posting record for the past few months doesn't speak for itself?!?

Yeah, I don't completely believe myself either. However, my desire is strong for blogging right now. But this exact minute the children are calling and I have to feed them. But I wanted to get something down so I would feel like I have to blog more later.

I hope it works.

Joy

2011-05-21T19:16:00.000-04:00

Sitting here crying my eyes out over this post. It brought back so many memories.
Dino was born at 36 weeks gestation. A tiny bit early but not too bad. However, he did have some blood sugar issues which required an IV. And for that he needed to be in the NICU.
Imagine, if you will, a first time mom, one who had planned a natural childbirth and a healthy baby. Now imagine that she got neither. (well, Dino wasn't unhealthy, he just wasn't in tip-top shape)

I went into labor 4 weeks early. My water broke Sunday evening. Monday I would be 36 weeks pregnant, 4 weeks from my due date, and it was also to be our final birthing class. I intended to have all natural childbirth, just like my mom had done it, just like many of my aunts and cousins had done it. I was all set, or so I thought. We got to the hospital just before midnight. The doctor's did not think my water had actually broken because I was so early and not in full blown labor. However, it was a slow night so they admitted me. About an hour after I arrived a doctor came in the room and told me there were several tests they used to check if the amniotic sac had ruptured. He (Dr. Payne funnily enough) told me that he be doing a few of the tests. First, he was going to insert a speculum to take a sample. But when he got close enough to that area, he saw some liquid seeping. So he asked for the strips they use (don't know what they are called, but they turn a certain color if they come in contact with amniotic fluid) to test for fluid and it turned positive immediately. He said he still wanted to do some more tests. He again started the test that required the speculum (again, I have no idea of the different tests and the names, I'm just drawing on my memory of the time) but he never finished. Once he got close enough and I spread my legs (hate that) he said, "Never mind. Baby is coming today. I see hair."
So I was officially in labor. I was 3cms dilated at that point and having some contractions. The nurses hooked my up to the monitors and my contractions started getting stronger and coming closer together. Someone came in to insert an IV and that's when I lost it. I was already nervous because it was too early. And now I was getting uncomfortable from the contractions. Then when they tried the IV, they couldn't get it in right and it hurt. They tried in both of my hands several times. Both hands swelled up and started bruising. Eventually they ended up putting the IV in the crook of my right arm, which meant I couldn't bend my elbow. It was very uncomfortable and I panicked. I asked for an epidural. I was checked and found to be 5 cms so they gave me the epi. And then things stalled. So they gave me pitocin. (none of this was anything like the all natural delivery I had planned...) And then Dino's heart rate starting going nuts. I was only 6 cms by this point, 3 hours after the epi had gone in. And Dino kept reacting worse and worse to the contractions. So a decision was made to have a c-section. I cried, but I was so exhausted by this point, I just wanted him to be okay. It was 6am and I had been up for almost 24 hours at this point and I just wanted him to be born. So off to the OR we went. He was born at 6:59 am, weighing in at 6lbs 11oz and looked great for being 4 weeks early.
He stayed with my for almost that whole day. That night, after checking his blood sugar levels several times, he ended up needing an IV, so off to the NICU he went. I was released on Thursday, and it was the hardest day of my life. Seeing all the women leaving the hospital with their babies was like a knife through my heart. It was awful.

And it didn't matter that Dino was the biggest, healthiest baby in the NICU. It still hurt. And then I felt guilty for being upset when so many of the babies in the NICU were in such bad shape. Those few days were very hard, some of the hardest days I've ever experienced. And even though it was almost 9 years ago, and all the details are fuzzy, the emotion is still razor sharp in my mind. It hurt. It was hard.
But Dino wasn't there long. He came home on Sunday and never looked back.

So when I found I was pregnant again, I was thrilled that I'd get a do-over. I couldn't wait to have the perfect birth I'd dreamed of. Hub and I practiced and planned and made sure we were going to be ready whenever I went into labor this time. I just knew I'd be one of those women who had a VBAC.
Then came moving day. We moved in with my parents on Tuesday (10 days before my due date). Wednesday I noticed Frog wasn't moving too much. I did all the things you're supposed to do and he moved some, but I kept a close eye on him. Thursday I woke up and he didn't move. And he always moved a ton in the mornings. I called the doctor's office and talked to a nurse. I had an appt for the next day and the nurse said I'd be fine to wait. "Babies slow down this close to your due date", blah, blah, blah. But she could tell I wasn't satisfied. She told me no doctor's were in so I'd have to see a midwife. I said fine and rushed in immediately, no shower, no Hub, no nothing. My mom did come with me to watch Dino. We got to the office and they hooked me up to the monitors. I was reassured to hear Frog's heart beating away. But he still wasn't moving much. He did move some. After almost an hour of monitoring, the nurse took my strip to the doctor that was there on call. A midwife came in and told me they thought it would be best for me to head over to the hospital. No one acted like it was a big deal. So mom and Dino and I made our way over. I tried calling Hub when we got there (this was before everyone and their brother had cell phones) but couldn't reach him. I found out later he was already on his way.
So I get to the hospital, mom calls my sister-in-law to come get Dino and I am all happy-go-lucky thinking I'm getting ready to have an induction. A nurse comes in and tells me to get on the bed because I need to be monitored. I thought she was rather mean, but my mom told me later that she knew something was wrong. I'm on the monitor for a few minutes (Hub was here by now) and the nurse leaves the room. Within a few minutes she returns with a ton of people. Someone starts prepping me for surgery, someone starts an IV, someone is getting me to sign papers, someone is telling me about getting a spinal, someone is telling me something else, there were people everywhere. A short time later I was in the OR and getting a spinal. It happened so fast I had no time to process any of it.
Frog was born at 1:45 pm and weighed 7lbs 15 oz. He was with me for about an hour, while they stitched me up and for a few minutes in the recovery room. But he was not doing well and they took him to the NICU shortly. It really happened so fast I didn't have time to think.
But once I was in my room I had plenty of time to think. And I really did quite well. I was familiar with the NICU having been there with Dino. And I just didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't stress or anything. I was so tired from the delivery that I let it all float away. I saw Frog for a few minutes. They wheeled me to see him before they took me to my room. But then I just slept. It wasn't until the next morning I realized he wasn't good. But even then, I just kept thinking he was more like Dino had been and was just in need of a little time.
No one could ever figure out exactly what happened but he had some kind of infection. He was on antibiotics. His platelets were low. At one point they were sure they would have to give him a blood transfusion. But that didn't end up happening. No one was quite sure what was going on. But he very quickly got better. He still had to stay in the NICU. And I went home for the second time with no baby in my arms. Until then, I did not cry one time. But when they brought all my discharge papers, and I had to get ready to leave, then I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. It hit me then that I was leaving the hospital for a second time with no baby. It was not fair. It downright sucked.
I was mad, and hurt, and upset, and just lost. I was glad to get home to Dino, but felt like part of me was left behind at the hospital. Those few days were torture.
But Frog did well, and he came home on Wednesday, for a grand total of 7 days in the NICU. Not bad at all.
My OB did tell me at my 2 week check-up that she was glad I came in when I did. She said Frog's umbilical cord was tested and there was no oxygen found in it. She said that it was very likely that had I waited or had I gone into labor that Frog would not have made it. I'll take a 7 day NICU stay to that any day.
Doesn't mean my experience wasn't still hard, but Frog is here now and very healthy. I thank God for him every day, for all three of my boys.

And now, just to round it out and complete the picture, I guess I should write about the day Monkey was born. Two weeks earlier (I was 35weeks2days), I was put into the hospital. My pregnancy had gone okay, but my blood pressure had gone sky high and I'd gained 20 pounds in two weeks. So I went into the hospital overnight for observation. Turns out all was fine, but they kept a close eye on me for the remainder of my pregnancy. I had an appt every week and twice weekly Non-Stress Tests (NSTs). When I went in for my appt the next week, they told me it was possible that we would need an amnio to check for lung maturity and that I'd probably have Monkey the next week. It was a fine line between needing him to stay in and grow and needing him to come out. And they were trying to watch but stay proactive at the same time.
Meanwhile, I'm having all kinds of contractions that are painful but not kicking me into labor. Every NST I had someone would ask if I felt the contractions. I was always like, "Ummmm, yes!!"
So on the Friday after my last appt I started some harder contractions. They continued all weekend and into the next week. I would get 5 in an hour, then only 1 an hour for several hours. Then I'd get 6-7 in an hour for 2 hours. And just over and over again. Never regular but not completely stopping either. So when I got to my appt on Tuesday, I was so ready to hear someone tell me we'd schedule an amnio and Monkey would be coming soon. When the doctor (and I went to a teaching office, so this doc was a newbie, very young) arrived, she examined me, found me to be 3 cms dilated, and listened to me talk about all the contractions. She then told me to schedule my c-section for "two weeks from today." I bawled like a little baby. I told her there was no way I could make it two more weeks. I'm sure OBs hear that all the time and think nothing of it. But I meant it.
Unfortunately, the doc also meant what she said. So off to schedule my c-section I went, and then on to the waiting room to wait for my NST. When I got hooked up for the NST (a couple hours later), Monkey was sleeping so they kept me for awhile waiting on him to move enough to get good readings. All the while I was having contractions. One nurse finally came in and looked at my strip. She quickly got a doctor. This doctor said she didn't like my contraction pattern (and again asked if I could feel them. I guess because I wasn't screaming and writhing in pain no one believed I was feeling them) and because I'd already had 2 c-sections they wanted me at the hospital to be monitored.
I figured it was like my last hospital visit 2 weeks earlier so I didn't want to call Hub. But when I got to the hospital, they sent me straight to pre-op and starting prepping me. I still didn't believe it but my nurse finally convinced me to call Hub. I was contracting the whole time and just waiting. The doc who had examined me earlier, and who I'd bawled on, came in and examined me again. This time I was 5 cms. She declared me in officially in labor and looked rather sheepish if I do say so myself.
Hub got there in the nick of time and I was wheeled back to the OR. Monkey was born at 4:54 pm weighing 9lbs 10 oz, and he was 3 weeks early!
And most amazing of all, he spent every single minute of the hospital stay with me. He only left my room once to go get a hearing test. And the day I left the hospital, Monkey left in my arms. Finally!! At last I got to take a baby home with me. What a wonderful moment that was!

And now I have a 4 year old, a 6 year old, and an 8 year old. Three wonderful, healthy boys. They are my joy! I am a blessed woman!

Psssst, hi, it's me.

2011-05-16T20:26:00.000-04:00

Hey, what's this? A blog? What's a blog? I have a blog? When did that happen?

Hee-hee, yes I do remember that I have a blog. I just haven't been in a blogging mood for awhile. But I've been getting the feeling back, that feeling I get now and again to write. I'm not a terrific writer, but I do love to put down my thoughts.
So I'm back.

Here's what's been going on here:
The same thing that always goes on here. Life. It moves at lightning pace. Always.

Dino is an amazing child. He is growing so fast I'm afraid to sleep for fear he'll be married with kids when I wake up. He'll be 9 in a few months and is just finishing up third grade.
**A quick aside: I know plenty of homeschooling parents who do not pay attention to what grade their child is in. I am not one of those homeschooling parents. While I don't follow the curriculum set by the state, I do tend to follow the general idea and teach the boys according to what grade they would be in if they were in public school. And even then, I have noticed that we are still different sometimes. Dino and Frog both have birthdays that are within days of the cut-off date for starting school. So I started kindergarten with both of them just days after their fifth birthdays. Some in our community have kept their children of the same ages back a year. So no matter what, we are different. It's all good. But back to me, I just work better with the thought in my head that each of them would be in such and such grade, so we should be teaching this. Works well for me that way.**
Dino is just finishing up another season of baseball. He really enjoys it. He isn't the best player out there but he enjoys the game. His coach tells me that he really gets the rules. He pays attention and tries to do what the coach tells him to do. He just isn't extremely blessed in the athletic area. (takes after both of his parents) He is also already looking forward to football season. And he's going to try playing basketball this winter.
Yikes. For a non-athletic child, he really plays a lot of sports. I want him (all of the boys) to stay active as much as possible. Being an obese woman, I am determined to not pass my eating habits and sedentary lifestyle. So I try to keep the boys moving as much as possible. Sometimes they think I'm the meanest mom in the world because I make them stay outside for hours.
Dino is doing really well in school. He loves history. I love that our curriculum is literature based because it has so many wonderful books to read. Dino has become absorbed in the books. He loves to read. Loves to read!! It is not hard to get him to read his school books. (not quite so easy to get him to do his math....) I love to watch how engrossed he gets in a book. He will read and read and read. He bought himself the complete set of "The Chronicles of Narnia" and read the first book, "The Magician's Nephew" the first day he had it. I love that he loves to read. Does my heart good!

Frog is growing fast, too. He will be seven in a couple of months and is finishing first grade. He is reading now, too. I wondered how it would go with him. When I taught Dino how to read (in first grade) I had switched to a new curriculum. After using it, I decided I didn't like it as well as what I had been using, so I switched back. Then when Frog was ready for first, I got all the Sonlight material to use. Even though I knew it was wonderful material, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to teach Frog how to read as easily as I taught Dino. I was worried that Dino was just a natural reader and I didn't do much, and that the curriculum did more. So switching curriculum on such a fundamental skill worried me. I know, I know, silly. But reading didn't seem to click as quickly for Frog as it did for Dino and I spent much of the year worrying. And as it turned out, all for naught. Frog is a reading champ now. He's been reading everything he can get his hands on. He's finished all the readers for first grade and is now reading some of the second grade readers. I've got to find something for him to read this summer so I can save something for him to read in school next year. Again, I love it!
And Frog is really good in math. He has almost caught up to Dino. It's not making Dino happy, but I don't want to hold Frog back. So we'll take it a step at a time.
Frog just finished up his soccer season. He's getting better all the time at that. He is more athletically inclined than Dino, but still not the superstar of the team. Hub and I just don't seem to make 'em too sports-minded. Oh well. Just so long as they stay active......

Monkey is, well, he's my baby. I want him to stay a baby. Okay, not really, but maybe a tiny bit. He's now four years old and trying to do everything his brothers do, everything. Sorta. He wants to do it his way, For instance, when we signed the older two up for baseball and soccer, we asked Monkey if he wanted to play a sport. He was not even remotely interested. He told me, "If you can sign me up for a train building class, I would do that." And that is him all the time. Always wants to be in charge, always. At one point I was worried that he was color blind because anytime we talked about colors he always said green or red. Never any other color. Then one day he just told us all the other colors correctly. He just didn't want to do it before.
He's like that with everything. If he doesn't want to do it, no amount of persuading will get him to do it. I tried to get him to write his names for a long time. He flat out refused. Then one day, out of the blue he wrote his name. After that I tried to get him to write some other letters. No way, no how was he going to do it. Again, he flat out refused. He would write numbers all day long, but no letters. Now he's writing some letters. Not the ones I ask him to write, but what he chooses to write.
I thought about starting him in Kindergarten this fall, watching him this past year has made me rethink that thought. He and I are not ready to tackle that job. I will not stress myself out that way. We will take it a day at a time and see how pre-K goes. We'll start Kinder when we are both ready.

So, that's what's been going on here. Well, sorta. That's what's on my mind tonight. I just put in my order for next year's curriculum so homeschool is what's on my mind right now. Next week I'll have something else on my mind and will be ready to post again.

Oh, one quick thing about me. I am a knitter now. Ha! Imagine that! I never thought I was crafty. But it turns out I am when it comes to knitting. We had a homeschool co-op last fall and the moms could take one class. I took knitting and haven't looked back since. It just clicked for me and I can pretty much do whatever I want. I haven't tried a sweater yet, but I have done so many other things. A whole new world has opened up for me. I love it. So maybe my next post will be all about knitting. Who knows. I just have a feeling though that I am feeling the need to blog more now and so at least there will be a next post. Yay!!

I love my kids!

2011-01-17T09:14:00.000-05:00

My kids are the greatest! They keep me laughing all the time. The keep me annoyed often as well, but since I love them so, I can handle that.

So far today, they have put a smile on my face several times. Monkey came out of the bedroom, where the older two were making their bed. Nanny told him to go make his bed. His reply, "But I'm not old enough to make beds." *snicker*
Last night, Dino messed the shower up and couldn't finish his shower. We have a timer on it and if done incorrectly you have to wait five minutes to shower. So he was sitting in just his robe. He said, "Aaahhhh, there's nothing like wearing a nice warm robe with nothing underneath." Seriously tickled me, even tickles me now remembering it.
This morning Frog came out after getting dressed wearing his nice clothes, the ones we keep for church or dress up occasions. He said, "I thought I'd make you and Nanny happy this morning so I dressed up." Love him!
Then just a bit ago, Dino was sitting reading his Bible. He is reading in Exodus right now. He read this out loud to me, "The LORD said to Moses, “Consecrate to me every firstborn male. The first offspring of every womb among the Israelites belongs to me, whether human or animal.” Exodus 13:1-2
He wanted to know what it meant so we talked about it. Then he said, "Do we still have to do that now?" I said no and he came back with, "Good, cause I don't want to be a preacher."

The fact that he wants to read the Bible and wants to know what it actually means makes me so proud. And by him doing it, he's also teaching his little brothers. It's a cycle. And I love it. And I love them.

Got knocked down a peg

2011-01-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to blurt it out: I'm not doing the Bible in 90 Days anymore. Well, not reading that is. I am still a mentor, but you don't have to be reading along if you are a mentor.
But I'm kinda annoyed with myself but I'm trying to let go and figure out what God is trying to teach me.

Here's what happened.
After doing the last B90, I was totally pumped. I had been a mentor and I had read along again. So I had gone from never reading the Bible cover to cover to doing it twice in one year. Boy, I was quite proud of myself.
That fact alone isn't awful. It's not always a bad thing to be proud of an accomplishment. But I let my pride get away from me. I knew that Amy was going to do another B90 starting in January. I let her know that I was willing to help out again. And then I got cocky. Oh yeah, I'm good at this. I can do this no problem at all. See, look at me, I'm super woman, awesome mom, can read super fast, be an encouragement to others, I can do it all.
I even convinced my family to read with me this time.

Then January 3 happened. Nothing spectacular, but I couldn't manage to keep up with the reading from day 1 of the challenge. But I thought, hey, I know Genesis, I'll just skim. Yeah, not working out so good. But hey, here's Exodus, I'll just start reading that on the right day and then go back and catch up on Genesis.
But it just wasn't feeling right. At first, I thought it was just Satan trying to poke at me. I also felt like since I'd convinced my family to read with me that I ought to be reading, too. But then I started to think I needed something else, that maybe God was telling me to do something different. After the last B90, I didn't stay in the Word like I should have. I didn't read every day. It was very hit or miss.
And I could feel it. And I think that was at the crux of why I was not able to read with the challenge.
Then a friend mentioned that she wanted to try something a little slower, something that gave her time to chew on what she was reading.
And that's when I really started to feel that tug on my heart. That's it, that's what I want- more time to think about what I'm reading.

I love the Bible in 90 Days program. It's especially great if you have never read the Bible through. I think it's great that it's in such a quick time because it gives such a great picture of the whole thing, of what the Bible is trying to tell us. It is a value program. And I really think that I will try to do it at least once every year or two. It's good to get the whole Bible in your mind and heart.
But for me, at this point, I need to go deeper. I need something else.
So I'm looking for some options. Any suggestions would be great.

But that's where I am, that's what's going on here.
Still praying for my ladies, still praying for the whole program, just not reading myself this go round. And kinda licking my wounds.
God can use this, in fact, this is often when God really makes some big changes. Or points out the things that I need to change.
My pastor made an analogy at church Sunday. He talked about being filled with the Spirit. Too often different denominations get caught up in what that means. One of the things I love about my pastor is that he says not to sweat the small stuff. He says if you are following a doctrine that comes from a man, it's probably not the right one. Read the Bible, figure out what God really says about it.
Ooops, going off track a bit. Anyway, Pastor Paul used the analogy of a hotel room. A Christian is already filled with the Spirit once they become saved. But they have to empty themselves out to let the Spirit have free reign. The Spirit is in the hotel, walking around knocking on doors. I can choose if I want to let the Spirit in each room. When God is dealing with me on the issue in room 24, I have to let the Spirit have the room or I can choose to hold on to it. If I let the Spirit in, I have to empty that room of myself.

So right now, the Spirit is knocking on my door, asking to come in. There are some things I need to change. And I need to quiet myself and let Him work on me.

Okay, that is all over the place. That's what happens when I write. I just tend to write what's on my mind. And tonight, I feel like it's important to just let it be what it is, no editing. This is where I am right now, and if it makes no sense, well that's the way it is. This is me. I'm flawed.

Quickly...

2011-01-10T00:47:00.000-05:00

Wanted to add my thoughts on something while I have a moment.

This ties in with my thoughts about the rainbow. Again, I take the Bible literally. As a friend said recently, "Call me crazy" but I do take it literally. I believe that God made the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. I know many do not agree with me, but that's alright. Call me crazy if you must.

But what struck me while reading in Exodus was when God gave the 10 commandments. One of them, Exodus 20:8-11 Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.

I never read it quite the way I did a couple of days ago. A light went off. Some people say that the days God referred to when He created the earth are like thousands of years for us. So it would be possible that there were thousands of years between each part He added to the world, thus allowing for evolution. I don't believe it. What jumped out of me in Exodus was that He said "Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath" and "For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day."
I am not a Bible scholar and I do not know what the Hebrew words were that were used in this passage. But it seems to me that the six days (of a week) that we are to work are the same time period as the six days God worked to create the earth.
To me, it seems crystal clear that He created the earth in six literal days.
I am not a scientist, though there are many scientists (real, true, honest to goodness scientists) who believe the way I do. I love when I read about creationism. My favorite website on creationism is AIG. So much information there.

Anyway, it's late and I should be in bed. Just had to get these thoughts out before I forgot.

Day two

2011-01-04T14:15:00.000-05:00

I'm a little behind already, not on reading but on posting.
Oh well. I decided this time to not let the blogging interfere with the reading. While I like to write down my thoughts, last time I got so caught up in that part that I let my reading slide. Not gonna happen this time.

I had a thought about Noah that I did want to write down. In Genesis 9:11 God says, "Thus I establish My covenant with you: Never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood; never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth."
I personally believe that the Bible should be taken literally. So in line with that, I believe that the flood of Noah's day was a worldwide flood, that the entire earth was covered with water. I know that other Christians and atheists believe that the flood was more likely just a local flood.
But when I read that passage a thought occurred to me. We can see rainbows everywhere. If the rainbow was a sign to a local area that that area would not be flooded again, then why can I see a rainbow thousands of miles away? Wouldn't the rainbow be localized if the flood was?
I don't really know, just thinking aloud. Obviously, to me the rainbow is a sign to the whole earth that the whole earth won't every be destroyed by water again.

B90Days, Day 1

2011-01-03T08:56:00.001-05:00

Bible in 90 Days! Again! I'm so excited. I know I could read the Bible on my own, somehow finding out a way to make myself read every day, but this program keeps me more accountable. Maybe it's all in my head, but whatever it is, I'll take it!

So today is Day 1 and I'm just getting started. But the most exciting part for me is that several family members are reading along with me. Hub said he would try. He doesn't seem too eager so I'll be praying like mad for him, but he wants to try. (yay!!!) My mom is going to read again, too. She was with me the first time I did B90Days with our Bible study group. We had the opportunity to meet once a week and watch some DVDs that Bible in 90 Days has available. (If you go to their website, click on "hear the lessons" and you can listen to the DVDs that we watched.) It was a great experience and I'm glad mom wants to read again.
Best of all, Dino wants to read along. Through no prodding by me, he asked me the last time I read if he could read. So when I was getting ready this time, I found the reading schedule for kids. I printed up all the different age levels. The one for age 6-10 wasn't enough for him. He took one look at it and said, "Is that all? It's not the whole Bible." I gave him the 9-12 schedule and he's okay with it. He really wants to read the entire Bible. While I love that he wants to, I don't want him to get stuck with all the begats, and Leviticus, and all the prophets. I'm encouraging him to just make it a goal to read everything on his schedule and read some every day. Then, if he still wants to read what he didn't, he can go back. We'll see how it goes.
Frog is also reading along (being read to), so we're making it a whole family thing, as Monkey is getting some listening to others. This is so nice!

So, here begins another wonderful B90Days. I am looking forward to every single day.

Oh, Amy at MomsToolbox is hosting this challenge. She has tons of info on her site. Go visit and check it out if you haven't already.

Jesus

2010-12-25T00:26:00.000-05:00

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believed in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. John 3:16-17

For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:11

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

He's Here

2010-12-20T23:38:00.001-05:00

In the busyness of the holiday season, we often forget the reason why we started celebrating in the first place. It's good to keep Jesus front and center all the time but especially now. It's a clique but so true, He's the reason for the season.
One day I was driving home from the store and heard this song on the radio. I'd never heard it before but it spoke to me in a powerful way. It's beautiful. And songs like these help me to keep the right perspective and keep Jesus as the focus of my life.
Merry Christmas!

It's me again

2010-11-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Yep, here I am creeping back onto my blog. Been so busy lately. But I'm going to try to be around more. Have tons to say. Most importantly is that I'll be doing the Read the Bible in 90 Days program with amy at MomsToolbox again, starting January 3. I am so excited about this. I love this program. It has been so wonderful for me.
So, if you want to join in on the challenge, visit MomsToolbox and sign up. It's totally worth it!

Peace

2010-10-04T00:27:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you've all heard the phrase "No God, no peace. Know God, know peace." It's become commonplace enough that I think that we tend to miss the meaning.
To me, the most important part of the whole phrase is "Know God". That's one of the most important things we should ever do in our lives, get to know God. If we know Him, we know what He is like, we know what He expects of us, we know who He is. And the only way we can get to know Him is by reading His word.

I had never read the entire Bible until this year. And now, I've read it twice. That is amazing to me. And I am closer to Him than I ever have been. That should not be amazing at all. It only makes sense. Read His word, get to know Him, get closer to Him. But for some reason, I missed that for the first 38 years of my life. How on earth did I think I could get to know God without learning all I could about Him? Isn't that how we get to know the people in our lives? We spend time with them, talk to them, find out about what makes them tick. And there's only one way to do that with God, by reading His word. He told us exactly what He wants us to know about Him. And without reading the Bible, we can't figure it out.
Sure, we could still pray. But what good would that do if we pray improperly? Of if we pray for the wrong things? I can pray until I'm blue in the face for God to do something in my life, but if it is something that goes against His very nature, it's not going to happen. No matter what. And I won't know if what I'm praying for is the right thing if I don't read His word.
Reading His word is crucial to find out who He is. And I am so grateful He cared enough to make sure it was written, that it has been preserved, and that I can read it.

Reading the Bible through twice this year has been the best thing I have ever done, except for accepting the free gift of salvation. I have peace. I know God; He is my best friend. I talk to Him every day and He teaches me all the time. And I intend to stay in His presence so that our relationship continues to grow and blossom. To do that, I must continue to read His word. I have a new life-long habit now. Spending time with my best friend, my Savior, my Lord, my Jesus, my God.

Now I know God and I know peace. Nothing can ever be better than this. Nothing.

Finished!

2010-09-29T10:50:00.000-04:00

I did it! Yay!! From "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth" to "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen." I read every single word of the Bible in 87 days!!!
Yippee!

I have more to say but not enough time right now. Schoolwork is calling. But I'm so happy!

Day something/something of 90: I've lost count!

2010-09-25T23:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I really don't know what day I'm on. I know that today is Saturday and next Saturday is Day 90. And I'm too tired right now to figure that out in my head. Sigh.

I'm done. No, not done as in finished reading, but I'm done like "Put a fork in me, I'm done", worn out done. See, I can't even make any sense.
Things are busy around here. Let's see, Mondays we have school, football practice 6-8, Hub has Bible study at 7:30, and that's it. Then Tuesday, more school (yes, there's a theme, school M-F- surprise!) football practice 6-8, and most days Hub works until 7. Wednesday, school, AWANA at 6. Thursday, school, homeschool meeting, football 6-8, I have Bible study at 7 and sometimes I make it if Hub doesn't work too late. Friday, school, soccer 5-6 and most days Hub works until 6. Saturday, no school, but there is a football game and a soccer game at some point. Sunday, church, and naps.
And in the midst of all of the activity, there is still housework. I am extremely lucky because I have my mom. She does almost all of the laundry, like 90% of it. I do the cooking, and we share the cleaning. The hardest part for me right now is that I am a homebody. I do not like to be gone so many evenings. And I don't like going to the ball games where I don't know that many people. I am introverted to the extreme. I do it for the boys, but I stay agitated the whole time. Add to that the fact that our evening meals have been disrupted and I'm a basket case. I like to cook. But I am horrible at menu planning. I am working on that but I'm not there yet. So given that most nights I have to leave the house around 5:30 and we usually eat between 5:30 and 6:30 and I have a hard time. I've been making a lot of casseroles.

All of this to say that putting Bible reading, and not just a little Bible reading, reading it cover to cover in 90 days is a tough task. But, because of the fact that I spend so many hours on a ball field, and the fact that my wonderful mother usually watches the other children while I am at practice, I have had many hours to read my Bible. So right at this moment, even with all my ups and downs, I am only a day behind. So I should finish sometime next week. WooooooooHoooooooooooo!!!! And God has been teaching me little bits here and there. Well, He'd be teaching me a lot more if I would let Him, but anything I learn is wonderful.

Today (or yesterday, my days are blending all together) I was thinking about how tired I was and how I just couldn't wait for ball season to be over. (October 30, 35 days from now...) But then I started thinking about this new homeschool group I just joined. It's a big group (150-175 kids) and I am terrified. It is so out of my comfort zone. But, like the ball teams, I'm doing this for my kids. They want to do it and are so excited. I can't keep them from leaving the house and experiencing the big, bad world out there. I want to protect and shelter them, but they will eventually have to stand on their own two feet so I need to teach them how to do it the way God would like.

And one way to do that is by finding out how God would like me to raise them. And the way I find that out, well, by reading the Bible of course! That's the only way to know how God wants me to live my life. And I need to show my boys that, too. Dino has already said he wants to read with me the next time I do B90Days. Oh, that does my heart good!

And as I was thinking all these things, and planning this blog entry, I read a verse that made me smile and remember that God is always there. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
That is such a beautiful passage. Oh, and I just re-read the rest of the chapter and it is all so good.
verses 10-18 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Even when I feel like I can't take one more thing, even when I feel like I am being completely depleted, God is there, and if I listen and do what He asks, I am being renewed day by day, and the things that I am working on through Him are eternal. Thank you Father.

Day 55 of 90: Ha!

2010-08-28T21:48:00.000-04:00

So, let's back up a bit, shall we? Thursday, Day 53, I went to bed so happy because I was finally caught up with my reading. And then God said, "Ha!"
Then He stuck out His tongue and said, "thbpthbpthbpthbpth..."

Well, at least it felt like it. ;)
Ahhh, the best of intentions. I got to the soccer field at 5:00 yesterday afternoon. I had read about a chapter of the day's reading but that was all. However, I was so looking forward to that glorious hour of sitting alone with my Bible while Frog was practicing. No question would I be able to finish my reading. I was ready. And it was a beautiful afternoon. The weather was just perfect. No so hot that I was sweating, and just a slight breeze that was refreshing. Yes.

I read a couple more chapters before the phone rang. It was my mother. I knew immediately that something was up. My first thought was dad. I thought she was calling to say something happened and she had to take him to the hospital, so I needed to get home fast. But it wasn't dad. It was Monkey. He had managed to stick something up his nose. He's done that once before and we were able to get it out. This time, mom said she couldn't get it and she thought it was metal so she didn't want to mess around too much.
So I called the pediatrician and they said to come on in. I rushed home with a very unhappy Frog. It was only his first practice and he didn't want to leave. Hub got home around the same time as I did and we put a few things together and rushed to the doctor's office. In the 40 minute car ride we managed to imagine every worst case scenario possible while Monkey slept. A parent's mind can wander all over the place when their child isn't 100%.

Turns out, the doctor was plenty experienced at removing foreign objects from children's noses. Imagine that! However, he was quite impressed with the size of this object. It was a spacer from Dino's mouth. He had wiggled it loose, and for some unfathomable reason, when he handed it to me, I just put it beside my keyboard and forgot about it. But ewwwwww, it was pretty gross coming out of Monkey's nose. And he's fine now, but it definitely changed the evening around here.

So, I didn't finish all my reading yesterday. I'm done now, but I didn't finish all of today's. Today we celebrated Dino's 8th birthday. So I've been wrapping presents and making a cake all day.
Life.

But I'm not upset. I can feel the Lord's presence. He is in control here. And I'm trying to not panic. I am trying to find what He wants me to find out of each day. And it's okay if I don't read X amount of pages. It's all about Him. I feel close to Him. So being behind a few pages is okay.
Anyway, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday I have to sit on the football field for 2 hours and another hour again at the soccer field on Friday. That's 7 hours of quiet alone time I'll have next week for reading. I'll make it up.

Day 53 of 90

2010-08-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

Today's reading is in Isaiah. I still have to finish the last chapter for today, but I wanted to go ahead and post an entry. I haven't done it in so long and I didn't want to wait again and then forget. ;)

A couple of verses popped out to me in this section.
Isaiah 63:14 As a beast goes down into the valley, And the Spirit of the LORD causes him to rest, So You lead Your people, To make Yourself a glorious name.
That just put a picture in my head. God, leading us where He wants us to go, and the reason is to glorify Him. Kinda puts it all into perspective. It's not about me; it's all about Him, making His name glorious. If I am acting like I have been acting the past few days, I am not bringing Him any glory. I haven't been behaving like a child of God should. And I am so sorry. Father, I ask for your forgiveness. My sole purpose in life is to bring You glory. I haven't been doing that. Please forgive me.

Another verse meant a lot to me today. Isaiah 64:4 For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him.
There has never been and will never be, any God besides You Lord. You are God. No one else. No matter what they may say, no matter what sleight of hand they perform, no matter how many people follow their lead, no ear has heard, no eye has seen any God besides You. Amen.

Day 50 of 90

2010-08-23T22:34:00.000-04:00

I am caught up!!!!!!!!!!! Yippee!!!!!!!

And now I'm off to bed. Hopefully, I'll be back on track with my posts tomorrow.

Day 46 of 90

2010-08-19T23:02:00.000-04:00

Yay! I'm getting closer to being on target. I am not quite a whole day behind right now. I'm so happy!!
And I'm working on a post on Proverbs. I'm seeing some things I've never seen before on all the times I've read Proverbs. Yay!

Day 45 of 90: Halfway

2010-08-18T21:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am still not caught up but I am getting there. I had to share one verse that really spoke to me today. Psalm 119:109 My life is continually in my hand. I think I tend to want to blame everyone else, including Satan, for what is going on in my life. But it's not true. My life is in my hand. It's up to me. I can decide to follow Him or I can choose to go down a different path. It's all up to me. He won't force me to follow Him. My choice, my decision, my life is continually in my hand.

Day 44 of 90

2010-08-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am getting closer. I am about a day and a half behind. Slowly but surely I will be back on track.

And today marks the technical halfway point. If you read on the schedule and are not behind, you finish in 88 days. There are two grace period days built in. So, yay! I'm okay and not doing to bad. I can still finish in 90 days.

And I've lost my blogging mo-jo. It's just gone right now. I think it's mainly because I'm behind. I just can't get over the fact that I'd be blogging about something from the day before (or the day before that). So, I'll just read until I can get back on track with blogging. That works.

Day 43 of 90

2010-08-16T23:51:00.000-04:00

I'm moving right along. I am now only 2 days behind.

Day 42 of 90: Pride

2010-08-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

Psalm 10:4 The wicked in his proud countenance does not seek God; God is in none of his thoughts.

It has been a rough week for me. Nothing major, but busy. Then, somehow, in the midst of the business, my Bible reading slacked off. One minute, I'm right where I should be and then, bam! I'm three days behind.

The first time I did the Bible in 90 Days Challenge, I did great the first couple of weeks. Then I got a day behind and stayed a day or two behind the entire time. I ended up finishing in 91 days, so with the two day grace period, that meant I finished three days behind based on the schedule.
But I finished and I was very proud of myself. It was the first time I'd ever read the whole Bible and I was very proud of the fact that I finished.

Then this new challenge came up. I didn't even know about it until a few days, maybe a week, before. But I was immediately on board. I wanted to to do it again. And I have enjoyed every minute of it. From the beginning I was determined to stay on track and even get ahead in my reading. And I was accomplishing what I wanted to. And I was proud of myself.

But somewhere along the line being proud of my accomplishment twisted into me being prideful and cocky. I was doing it again. Look at me, I'm reading the Bible super fast. Haha, 90 days! I'm so special.
But my feet have been knocked right out from under me. While I have read the Bible every day, I have not been able to keep on track with the 90 day program. And I have only myself to blame.

This makes me feel so sad. I wanted to stay focused and on track. But I let my sinful nature take over.
Now, what's left to do is to read and read and read. I have to gain back my focus. I need to keep Him number one, the main focus of my life. I can do it. I can do what I should have done the first time around. I am putting Him at the top. He is who I am going to focus on.

Day 39 of 90

2010-08-12T23:18:00.000-04:00

Psalm 8

O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory above the heavens.

From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise

because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet:

all flocks and herds, and the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea,

all that swim the paths of the seas.

O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Day 38 of 90

2010-08-11T22:20:00.002-04:00

Still Job. And I got nothing. I'm going to take the night off. More tomorrow.

Day 37 of 90

2010-08-10T22:59:00.000-04:00

Job. Now that's a name. I think we all know the name Job. I have this idea in my head about who Job was and what his story is all about. But it's what I've heard others talk about. And now that I'm 23 chapters in, I still don't always get it. I mean, I get that he was a good man, and God allowed Satan to mess with him. But when Job's friends come along, I never got that they were saying he deserved it.
I really want to spend some more time in this book. I can't right now, but later, when I'm through with this challenge, I can go back.
A-ha! The beauty of the Bible in 90 Days Challenge, going back and digging in once you're done. I love it! This makes me want to dig in and get more and more of His Word! Awesome!

Day 36 of 90: Esther

2010-08-09T23:42:00.000-04:00

Esther 4:13-14 “Do not think in your heart that you will escape in the king’s palace any more than all the other Jews. For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

I love this passage. Well, I love the entire story of Esther. What's not to love? You have a queen kicked out of the palace, a new queen who is just a commoner, a murder plot, an ethnic cleansing plot, and a woman who saves her people. It's wonderful.
I try to imagine what Esther must have felt. What an awesome responsibility on her. She could have been killed for her actions. And yet, as Mordecai said, she would not have escaped anyway. Her duty was to protect her people, no matter what.

But the thing that stands out the most is when Mordecai says, "For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place". Isn't that true all the time, even now? God's plan will still come about, no matter what we do. He was never going to allow the Jews to be wiped out. Esther didn't have to be the one to step into the role that she did. God would have put someone else there had she chosen to not to act. But think about how wonderful her reward will be. She fulfilled the role God had set aside for her. He put her in such a place as He did to do what she did. And she stepped up.

I hope I can step up when He calls me. Even when it's hard, even when it seems impossible. I want to do what God has called me to do no matter what.

Day 35 of 90

2010-08-08T22:55:00.001-04:00

Nehemiah is a great book. The first chapter has some great verses. Nehemiah 1:6b-7 I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.
I love that Nehemiah is praying on behalf of all the Israelites. He cares about everyone and he wants God to be with them all.
Nehemiah 1:8-9 "Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the nations, but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.'
I love these verses. Nehemiah is reminding us of God's promise.

Annnnnddddd, that's all I seem to have tonight. It's late, I'm tired, tomorrow will be busy. Good night. ;)

Day 34 of 90: A New Start

2010-08-07T21:44:00.000-04:00

Boy, do I feel better tonight. I gotta tell you, this week has been hard. Last Friday, I was 2 days ahead in my reading, 2 full days! I felt good about that. By the time Monday rolled around, I was feeling a little cocky. (Man, is hindsight 20/20.) I knew the week would be busy. Dino was starting football. I assumed there would be at least 2 practices, but wasn't expecting 3, two hour long practices. This is the first year he has played so I really didn't know what to expect. So that always changes the day, because I have to be ready to leave the house by 5:30. Dinner has to be finished, the other boys content enough to stay with Nanny, etc. Then there was the added excitement of Frog's birthday. I had to go shopping for his gifts, and somehow find time to do that by myself (Monday morning) and then find time to wrap the gifts (Friday) and shop for his special dinner (Friday) and make his cake (again Friday, but had wanted to do it and wrapping on Thursday). Then I found out that Dino had to have a physical in order to play football. Somehow I managed to get one for Tuesday.

So for me, it was already a busy week. And on Monday I thought that since I was 2 full days ahead on my reading, I'd be totally fine for the rest of the week. Well, as they say, that's what I get for thinking. I had no way of knowing dad would end up in the hospital Thursday. I had planned to get most of Frog's birthday stuff done on Thursday. But then, I expected that mom would be there all day and I'd have backup, someone to make sure the boys were happy while I was wrapping presents and making a cake. I also had no idea that football practice would be rained out on Thursday, when I was expecting to get a lot of reading done. So, somehow, my 2 days ahead had evaporated. And I went to bed Thursday right on schedule. And went to bed on Friday a half day behind.

Sigh. But God is always faithful. I prayed and asked for His help. I wanted today to bring my focus back on Him. And even though I'm tired and dad is still in the hospital, and I still have three wild boys running around, I managed to focus more on Him today. I got all my reading done and I'm now caught back up. I realize it was only a slight fall back, but I haven't been behind a single time this whole 34 days. The last time I did the Bible in 90 Days, I was at least a day behind from about 15 days in. And stayed that far behind the whole time. I didn't want it to happen this time.

And after this small setback, I am going to dust myself off and start again. God is right here beside me and I know why I'm doing this. It's all for Him. I need to remember that. It's not for me. It's not so I can boast that I've done this. I'm doing this so I can learn more about Him. I know me. I don't need to study me. But Him, wow, I need to learn everything I can about Him. And the way to do that is to read His Word.

And He showed me what I needed today in my reading. Ezra 9:9 For we were slaves. Yet our God did not forsake us in our bondage; but He extended mercy to us in the sight of the kings of Persia, to revive us, to repair the house of our God, to rebuild its ruins, and to give us a wall in Judah and Jerusalem.
He will never forsake me. Never. He is always right beside me with open arms. It's up to me to walk in.

Just me

2010-08-06T21:51:00.000-04:00

Just me tonight. I'm still a bit stressed, not as bad as yesterday. My dad is still in the hospital. It looks like there's definitely something going on with his heart. The docs want to check it out thoroughly. He hasn't had some of these test since before his bypass surgery so there could be a lot different. For now, he's stuck in the hospital until they can get the tests run. With it being a weekend, it's possible he'll be there until next week. We'll see. In the meantime, we pray.

We did Frog's birthday tonight. We're a very low-key family. Birthday's are just us, those of us who live in the house. So I've been busy today. I went to the store for last minute stuff this morning. Then I came home and made a cake. The kids ate lunch, I waited for a phone call about dad. Hub ran some errands and did yard work. He also went to the neighbor's funeral. Then I made dinner and Frog opened presents. Then cake and ice cream. The end.
It was nice. He did ask me to make sure I took plenty of pictures to show Poppa when he got home. The older two boys keep asking if Poppa is going to die. With Hub's mom dying not long ago, and with the neighbor dying, it's on their minds. And it worries them. This touched so close. Being that we live with Nanny and Poppa, they have developed very close relationships with them, much closer than with their other grandparents. And they would have a hard time if something did happen to Poppa.

So, anyway, forgive me for not making a post about my Bible reading. My plan is to make it my first priority for tomorrow. I'm praying.

Day 32 of 90: Stress

2010-08-05T18:51:00.000-04:00

I am completely stressed out today. It's Frog's birthday, but Hub had to work so we're doing his actual celebration tomorrow. And yesterday, our neighbor died. He lived with his mother, who is home bound and in her 80s, and he was in his 50s. He wasn't completely right in the head. (can't think of a better way to phrase that right now) My mom has looked out for them for years now, we all do. One of us always picks up their mail (all the boxes are down the hill), we often take a meal, mom does their shopping.
Well, all of this started when the son got sick a few years ago, cancer. He'd been getting worse, but really went downhill just in the last few weeks. God provided mightily in it all; his sister had come for an extended visit and is here now. So she was able to be a great help in his last few days.

Anyway, that added to the stress level, but even more was added today. Today, dad came home early from work. He wasn't feeling well. He is in congestive heart failure (2 heart attacks over the past 13 years) and has COPD. His blood pressure and his pulse kept dropping. Finally, he decided to call the nurse line at his doctor's. She said come straight in. Mom took him to the VA and they admitted him. His heart is not beating correctly. The doctor thinks he can fix it with a change in medication, but he needs to stay in the hospital while they fiddle with the meds. So that definitely kept me in a stressed mood all day today.

I'm feeling better now that I've heard from mom and know that he's feeling better.
Here's where God comes in, only, I should say, He's been here all along, I just forgot to look.
I had highlighted a section in my Bible to write on for today's reading. I'm a day ahead in the reading, but I can't seem to write my post as soon as I finish, so it's always a teensy bit faded. So, as I sat down just now to see what to write about, I found it very interesting that what I had highlighted was 2 Chronicles 15:4 but when in their trouble they turned to the LORD God of Israel, and sought Him, He was found by them. Hmmmmm, wonder if I would have been less stressed today if I had been seeking Him as I should have been? How did I manage to leave God out of my day? In the hustle and bustle of life, I just forgot. Even while still reading my Bible. But I was reading more as an "I have to read X number of pages today" type of way and not in an "I can't wait to read God's Holy Word today and find out what He wants me to see" kind of way. And I did not pray at all today. D'uh! I don't usually forget. But I did today. And now, looking back, I can see why I was so short tempered with the boys, and why I felt like my pulse was racing several times, and why I felt so completely overwhelmed by today. I forgot to talk to my best friend. And talking to Him always puts me on the right track.

I'm sorry Lord. Please forgive me. Please help me to remember that I need You, that I don't have to do all this alone, You are there, You care, and You want to help me through this life. If I take it all to You, You carry my burdens. Father, please help me remember that. I love You. ~Amen.

Day 31 of 90

2010-08-04T22:54:00.000-04:00

Today the verse that jumped out at me was 2 Chronicles 6:12-13 Then Solomon stood before the altar of the LORD in the presence of all the assembly of Israel, and spread out his hands (for Solomon had made a bronze platform five cubits long, five cubits wide, and three cubits high, and had set it in the midst of the court; and he stood on it, knelt down on his knees before all the assembly of Israel, and spread out his hands toward heaven).

I love this verse. Solomon is praising God, raising his hands in the presence of the Lord. Too often we are afraid to worship the Lord with abandon, to lift our hands in praise. We are concerned that someone may be looking at us or think something bad about us. We even think we shouldn't do it.

Growing up, I never knew of people who lifted their hands in worship, or danced for the Lord. That kind of worship wasn't discussed. As I got older, I learned that it was okay. I still didn't feel comfortable with it, but I realized that others did. Then I started going to a church where most of the people felt able to praise God however they felt. It was beautiful. It felt right to me.

Then my brother got married. One of his wedding pictures is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen. He and his wife have one arm around the other and the other arm is raised in praise to our Creator. Their faces are just so stunning in the way that they are so focused just on Him. The picture is breathtaking.

I want that. I want to worship Him with such abandon that I am able to lift my hands if I desire, to dance if the feeling comes, to sing to His glory. I'm not saying that everyone has to worship like that all the time, but it's nice to know it's not forbidden. I mean, if Solomon could spread his hands toward heaven and if David could dance for the Lord, well then, I guess I can raise my hands when I'm singing to Him.

Day 30 of 90: A third of the way there!

2010-08-03T21:14:00.001-04:00

This is going to be short and sweet. I am tired.
A couple of verses stood out to me today.

1 Chronicles 15:13 For because you did not do it the first time, the LORD our God broke out against us, because we did not consult Him about the proper order.
We should always do what God wants us to in the proper order and the correct way. He has a plan, we should follow it.

1 Chronicles 16:15 Remember His covenant forever,
That one doesn't need anything added.

Those two just jumped out at me.

Day 29 of 90

2010-08-02T13:13:00.001-04:00

I'm not gonna lie; reading this section was not easy. I was often tempted to just skim. I mean, the first eight chapters of 1 Chronicles was nothing but name after name after name. But it's there for a reason. I don't know the reason, but I trust that there is one.

And I have given up my morning coffee, two days now, so I have a headache and am feeling yucky.
But no matter what I keep hearing in my head, those little voices telling me I can slack off and not read as carefully right now, I am not going to listen. I am reading God's Holy Word, and I intend to read every single word, every single begat, every single name. I know that He will speak to me in this reading. I know that He is there, right by my side, cheering me on as I read.
And so, no matter what, read I will. Even when it's hard.

Day 28 of 90

2010-08-01T21:26:00.000-04:00

2 Kings 17:7-8 All this took place because the Israelites had sinned against the LORD their God, who had brought them up out of Egypt from under the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. They worshiped other gods and followed the practices of the nations the LORD had driven out before them, as well as the practices that the kings of Israel had introduced.

It seems so odd, but it's really that simple. All of the evil, the bad in the world is because of sin. It's all because we have sinned against the Lord our God.

2 Kings 17:13 The LORD warned Israel and Judah through all his prophets and seers: "Turn from your evil ways. Observe my commands and decrees, in accordance with the entire Law that I commanded your fathers to obey and that I delivered to you through my servants the prophets."

He has told us. We have no excuses. The Bible is here for us to read and to learn from.

I just wish that I could remember that.

Day 27 of 90: Jesus has got my back.

2010-07-31T22:36:00.000-04:00

I'm late. Today's been one of those days. And I thought I would have plenty of time so I didn't write my post ahead. So, this won't be earth shattering, but it will come from the heart.

The verse that stuck out to me in this section was 2 Kings 6:16 So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”
That's what I should think about God. I shouldn't be afraid of anything or anyone because I have Him. And He is greater than anything or anyone else.
It reminds me of something Jesus said in John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
And also 1 John 4:4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

So, no matter what I have going on in my life, no matter what trials I am dealing with, I can relax, and take comfort in the fact that God is always there for me, He is on my side. Jesus has already proven that He can take whatever this world can dish out. With Him on my side, I have nothing to fear.
Jesus has got my back. I am protected.

Day 26 of 90: Sneeze

2010-07-30T08:44:00.002-04:00

Today's reading is from 1 Kings 16:21- 2 Kings 4:37. One verse leaped out at me, and it was from the very end of the section.

It's in the section where Elisha brings a boy back from the dead. It's very similar to when Elijah brought a boy back from the dead. But one little phrase that was part of a verse jumped off the page. 2 Kings 4:35 He returned and walked back and forth in the house, and again went up and stretched himself out on him; then the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes.
He sneezed 7 times! Crazy! Not so crazy that a boy sneezed but crazy that it's in the Bible. And not crazy in a out of your mind kinda way, but crazy in I can't believe it's there.

I think it's so interesting that God saw fit to put such a strange detail in the Bible. It doesn't mean anything spectacular, it doesn't have any special significance, but it's there. I think it's a wonderful statement about the Bible and the men who wrote it. There wasn't a reason to include a boy sneezing in the Bible. It adds nothing to the story; the story is in the boy being raised from the dead. But the writer of the book (I found differing views on who this was, most say Jeremiah) added that detail because he was under the conviction of the Holy Spirit. There's no other explanation that I can see. That detail is in the Bible because God wanted it in the Bible.

That makes me so excited! The Bible is full of details that are there because God wanted them there. He is telling us what He wants us to know, He is revealing His nature through the words of the Bible.
Wow! The Creator of the universe wants me to know all about Him by reading His word.

Isn't that awesome?

Day 25 of 90

2010-07-29T09:40:00.002-04:00

What struck me about the reading for today (1 Kings 8- 1 Kings 16) was the detail Solomon gave to the building of the temple. He leaves nothing out. There is a portion of Solomon's prayer of dedication that really spoke to me. 1 Kings 8: 27-30 “But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Behold, heaven and the heaven of heavens cannot contain You. How much less this temple which I have built! Yet regard the prayer of Your servant and his supplication, O LORD my God, and listen to the cry and the prayer which Your servant is praying before You today: that Your eyes may be open toward this temple night and day, toward the place of which You said, ‘My name shall be there,’ that You may hear the prayer which Your servant makes toward this place. And may You hear the supplication of Your servant and of Your people Israel, when they pray toward this place. Hear in heaven Your dwelling place; and when You hear, forgive.

God is in His temple. He's everywhere. But think about how wonderful it is to come into His house to worship Him. It's a gift He's given us to be able to worship with other believers in His holy place.
Thankfully, I think that I have finally found the place I am going to worship. We've been without a home church for several months. We've tried several, but nothing was just right. Until a few weeks ago. We've been to a new church now and it seems to fit just right. And it's glorious to be able to worship my God with other believers.

Day 24 of 90: Benaiah

2010-07-28T21:40:00.000-04:00

Reading today I only thought about one thing, a person really, Benaiah.

The first time I did the Bible in 90 Days program, I was in a group and we watched the DVDs that come with the program. I know I've mentioned before, but they were wonderful. And you can listen to them online. Jack Modesett is the leader of these weekly lessons.
He had a section on Benaiah. It was on the week 6 lesson where this same passage is repeated in 1 Chronicles 11:22-25 almost word for word as it is in 2 Samuel 23:20-23 Benaiah was the son of Jehoiada, the son of a valiant man from Kabzeel, who had done many deeds. He had killed two lion-like heroes of Moab. He also had gone down and killed a lion in the midst of a pit on a snowy day. And he killed an Egyptian, a spectacular man. The Egyptian had a spear in his hand; so he went down to him with a staff, wrested the spear out of the Egyptian’s hand, and killed him with his own spear. These things Benaiah the son of Jehoiada did, and won a name among three mighty men. He was more honored than the thirty, but he did not attain to the first three. And David appointed him over his guard.

So, everything I am sharing comes from this lesson. I did not come up with it on my own. But it was such a moving lesson that I have not forgotten it and I heard it the first time in February this year, months ago.

Benaiah is the son of Jehoiada and he is one of David's best men. He is appointed over David's guard. Benaiah did three great deeds: he struck down two of Moab's best men; he killed a lion in a pit on a snowy day; he struck down a 7 1/2 foot tall Egyptian.
What makes this interesting?
Romans 15:4 For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.
Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, But the glory of kings is to search out a matter.
So, we know that the past is important, and we know that even if something makes little sense to us at first, if we dig, we can find it out.

Now, a little on the three deeds performed by Benaiah.
He struck down two of Moab's best men. Moab is the son of Lot, the son Lot had with one of his daughter's who came into him after they left Sodom. Moabites were cousins, always there, always at war with the Israelites. Moabites represent the flesh in the Bible. The flesh is what is always there, we can't get rid of, we are always at war with it.
He killed a lion in a pit on a snowy day. In 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Satan is a roaring lion. Lions are big, strong, fast, clever, the most dangerous animal in Africa. The worst possible foe. A pit is the very last place you'd want to meet a lion. It's the worst possible place. A snowy day can make you blind, it's cold, it's slippery. It's the worst possible time. Yet Benaiah defeated the lion.
He struck down a 7 1/2 foot Egyptian. Egypt was the most powerful nation in ancient times. It represents the world.

So these are our three greatest enemies: the flesh, the world, the devil.

Benaiah brought something with him. Names mean something in the Bible. Benaiah's father is Jehoiada. That means "God Knows". Benaiah means "God Builds". Those two names together mean God knows me and He's always building in my life.

When we are in the worst possible place, at the worst possible time, facing the worst possible foe, God knows, He is with us, and He is building us up.

I have not forgotten Benaiah. I don't imagine I will. In the midst of the history of Israel, using a person who isn't famous or well-known, God shows us how much He loves us. How awesome is that!!

So, go listen to Jack Modesett give this lesson. I took really good notes, but it's not the same. You won't forget Benaiah after listening either.

Day 23 of 90: David came alive!

2010-07-27T06:02:00.002-04:00

2 Samuel 22 is a beautiful chapter. David is just pouring his heart out to the Lord. I love how he switches between talking about God and talking to Him.
While reading this passage, I felt like David was someone I knew. He came alive for me. He was so real. And I realized that he was a man, with feelings and thoughts just like any other man. But he turned to the Lord for his strength. He leaned on the Lord when he was weak. He held onto God when there was nothing else to hang on to.
He was human, sinfully so, but he was a man who wanted God so desperately that he was willing to follow Him always.
I can now picture David leaping and dancing in the streets when the ark came back to Jerusalem. I can see David's sorrow when his infant son died, when any of his children died or betrayed him. He was a real live, breathing, walking, talking, dancing, loving human being. And he loved the Lord with all that he was.

I pray that one day I will love the Lord with that kind of abandon, above all else, no matter what anyone else thinks, love God with all my heart, soul, mind, strength. Thank you Lord, for loving me.

Day 22 of 90: Medium

2010-07-26T14:58:00.000-04:00

Something hit me when I was reading 1 Samuel 28. The Israelites believed in sorcery. It was a light-bulb moment. I mean, d'uh, they believed in mediums, seers, the supernatural. Ummmm, I sorta knew that, but until today, it didn't hit me what all that meant. And what it means now.

The Israelites were not unfamiliar with the supernatural. They believed in all the miracles that God had shown them. It was personal for them. But it also became easy to believe in the supernatural that wasn't from God. So the people went to mediums.
I just never fully comprehended what that meant. Saul sent all the mediums and spiritists out of the country. And then he went to one. And the medium was afraid. She said, "“Look, you know what Saul has done, how he has cut off the mediums and the spiritists from the land. Why then do you lay a snare for my life, to cause me to die?” (1 Samuel 28:9) Saul convinced her she would be okay and then he asked her to raise Samuel's spirit. Which she did. Yikes! This woman is doing something supernatural that didn't come from God. And that's when it hit me, Satan can make things happen, too. Things that look like they are supernatural, from God.

Wow! And right now, there are people who do things that look amazing. Things that look like miracles, that are miracles. But they are not always from God.
So it's not strange to believe in the supernatural, but it is a sin to practice things apart from God. Deuteronomy 18:10-12 There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, or one who practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, 11 or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead.
I do believe God still performs miracles today. But I don't think that everything that is a miracle now is from God.
There was just something about this passage in 1 Samuel that brought it home to me.

Day 21 of 90

2010-07-25T21:42:00.000-04:00

I'm squeaking in under the wire on this one. And it ain't going to be a pretty one.
I've been visiting my father-in-law this weekend. All in all, it wasn't a bad trip. But it's never great when visiting FIL. He can be difficult. And I had several moments where I had to bite my tongue this weekend.
Then I read about David and Saul. And it dawned on me that Saul is David's father-in-law. David had a FIL that wanted to kill him, that tried to kill him multiple times. And yet David never retaliated. He had several chances to kill Saul himself, but wouldn't.
Hmmmm, so, I guess I need to remember that when dealing with my FIL. It could be worse. But I could handle it so much better.

Day 20 of 90: I'm only a paramedic

2010-07-24T06:05:00.032-04:00

Yay!! 22% of the way there! Time flies.
And I have to confess, I just figured something out. I now know (well, I learned it a couple of weeks ago) how to post something at a time later than I wrote it. Yay me! So silly, but I love it when I figure out something technological. I was all excited when I first started figuring out HTML. Not that I really know that much, but I know just enough to keep myself happy. And when I learned how to link and have the link all pretty instead of just the web address, well, that was a day of celebration.
Anyway, I am not here right now. I am on a mini-vacay with the family and have no internet access. Cool, no? So I wrote my post ahead. Didn't get far enough ahead in my reading to post Day 21 but I hope that by the time I get home Sunday evening, I will be several days ahead.
Now, onto my post about Day 20's reading from 1 Samuel 2:30- 15:35.

I love Samuel's story. He was a wanted child. His mother prayed for a child and wanted one so much, she was willing to dedicate the child to the Lord. And then she followed through. Samuel grew up in the Lord. He spent all his time with the Lord. What a mighty man of God he was. So, it is interesting to me that his children were not such mighty men of God.

In 1 Samuel 8:3 we are told that "his sons did not walk in his ways; they turned aside after dishonest gain, took bribes, and perverted justice." And that seems so odd to me. I am trying my best to make sure that I raise my children to put God first. I want nothing less than three sons who love the Lord more than anything else in this world. And I am putting everything I have into that. I imagine that Samuel did the same. But somewhere along the line, something happened. And I am sad.
How is it possible that Samuel could raise sons who did not love the Lord? It just seems impossible.

I was reminded of an example a friend gave once, and it has always stuck with me. She talked about getting into a car accident. The police come, the paramedics come, all kinds of people rush to the scene of the accident. If someone is injured, the paramedics will do what they can temporarily, and rush to the hospital with the injured person. Then they hand the person over to the doctors at the Emergency Room. The paramedic is not the one who is there to save the injured person. It is their job to do whatever possible to keep the person alive long enough to get them to the hospital and the doctor.

A lot like me. My job isn't to save someone. I can talk til I'm blue in the face. I can give out Bibles, I can pray, I can offer support, I can take someone to the hospital. But I am not the person who will save them. That's God's job. I can't do it. But I do have to do my part. If a paramedic decides not to go to the scene of the accident, they can't help anyone, and someone might die. The same is true of me. If I keep my mouth shut and never proclaim the Gospel, people might die in sin. But if I do my job, the job God has given me, then I can point people to right place; I can point them to God. He can save them.

And that's what Samuel had to figure out, too. He wanted so badly to protect the people from themselves, but it wasn't his job. God reminded him of that. 1 Samuel 8:7 And the LORD said to Samuel, “Heed the voice of the people in all that they say to you; for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them.

God let Samuel know that it wasn't personal. The people were not acting the way that they did in response to something Samuel did or didn't do; they were reacting that way because they were making a point to God. It wasn't about Samuel; it was about God.
And when I see that I am not leading someone to God and I start to get down and think what difference does it make, I am lousy at this. Well, I need to remember it's not about me, it's about God. I just have to be the paramedic and do my job. I point them to Him; He saves them.

Day 19 of 90

2010-07-23T06:00:00.001-04:00

Ruth, ah, Ruth. I have a cousin named Ruth. Used to be, she was the first person I thought of when I heard the name. But the Ruth in the Bible is the most famous Ruth of them all. And why not? She is one amazing woman.

I don't have a single original thought in my head tonight. So, I'm going to share some thoughts from Jack Modesett, who you can listen to at the Bible in 90 Days website. I was lucky enough to be in a group the first time I went through B90Days that watched the DVDs of weekly lessons. You can listen to them online. (totally worth it)

He talked about how Judges shows how we try to do it ourselves but make a complete mess of it. He says that we have a degenerative disease: sin. Sin will take you farther than you meant to go; keep you longer than you meant to stay; and make you pay more than you meant to pay. Judges is full of sin.
And yet, in the middle of all this failure, God inserts the book of Ruth, a story of redemption and love. It seems impossible that God can restore the brokenness in Ruth's life, and yet He does. And then Ruth is added into Jesus' family tree.
Wow! A non-Jew becomes the great-grandmother of David, King David. God can restore us all.

Thank you Lord.

*Hop on over to B90Days and have a listen at Jack Modesett give this lesson. I cried while he was talking about Ruth. It was truly memorable.*
**I think the weekly lessons are the same as the DVDs I watched. I need to listen and make sure.**

Day 18 of 90: waiting

2010-07-22T06:01:00.000-04:00

I am really enjoying reading the Bible. Most of my life, you would never have heard me make that statement. But the closer I have gotten to the Lord, the more I want to read His word. And the more I read His word, the more I can't wait to read His word. And enjoy reading. And it starts to seep into my very being. And I find myself talking about what I am reading more often. It is becoming who I am. And then I realize why it was written.
Wow. God is good.

Today's reading was from Judges. And a part of one verse jumped out at me right away. It was in the beginning of the story of Gideon. It's not a part of the story I had noticed before. And at first, I thought it didn't really matter to the story at all. But then I came to realize, it is the story. It is the story of me.

Judges 6:19 And He said, “I will wait until you come back.”

The He in the verse is God. Gideon just cannot believe that God would have chosen him. So he puts God through all these test to make sure. But God knew. God knew Gideon and He knows me. He knows that even when I run so far and so fast to try to get away, I will come back. And He is always there waiting for me. I spent much of my late teens and almost all of my twenties running away from God. But He was still there. He's always there. And even when I am mad at Him, even when I don't want to talk to Him, even when I shut Him out, He is still there waiting. I am His child, He will never leave me. He will always waiting until I come back to Him. Thank you Lord.

Day 17 of 90: All came to pass

2010-07-21T21:01:00.000-04:00

Joshua 21:43-45 So the LORD gave to Israel all the land of which He had sworn to give to their fathers, and they took possession of it and dwelt in it. The LORD gave them rest all around, according to all that He had sworn to their fathers. And not a man of all their enemies stood against them; the LORD delivered all their enemies into their hand. Not a word failed of any good thing which the LORD had spoken to the house of Israel. All came to pass.

God honors His promises. He does what He says He will. The end.

Day 16 of 90: Read carefully

2010-07-20T13:00:00.000-04:00

I learned a big lesson today. I was reading and got to a point and couldn't figure out how I had gotten there. I backtracked and found that I had missed the first verse of the chapter.

I was reading Joshua 7 and missed this verse, "But the children of Israel committed a trespass regarding the accursed things, for Achan the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, took of the accursed things; so the anger of the LORD burned against the children of Israel."

So when I got to verse 11, "Israel has sinned, and they have also transgressed My covenant which I commanded them. For they have even taken some of the accursed things, and have both stolen and deceived; and they have also put it among their own stuff.", I felt lost.

Then I realized that that's what I do too often. I read what I want to read, I don't always read what's written. It is very easy to take one verse and read into it what I want to without really looking at the true meaning, the meaning God meant for the verse.
So, my lesson for today is to read carefully so I can get the true meaning out of scripture. That's the only way I can truly learn who God is.

Day 15 of 90

2010-07-19T06:00:00.000-04:00

I am really tired tonight. I am writing this ahead to post in the morning. But I am so tired I don't know for sure that I will make sense. I pray that the Lord will give me the right words.

I'm going to do another SOAP from MomsToolbox.

Scripture: Deuteronomy 24:19 When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back to get it. Leave it for the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.

Observation: This was an expected practice at the time. This verse makes me realize why Ruth was in Boaz' fields. An ah-ha moment. Now I see!

Application: If Christians were doing what the Lord wanted for us to do, the poor and needy would not be quite so poor and needy. I know that there will always be poor people in this world. Jesus said, "For you have the poor with you always, but Me you do not have always." Matthew 26:11
But, if we were doing the right things, I don't think it would be so bad. How often do we see someone who claims to be a Christian making sure they get every last dollar they "deserve" but yet not give that much, or anything to someone who needs it? It makes me so sad that people are so uncaring.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for all of the blessing you have given me. I want to be a good steward to what I have because I know that I would have nothing without you. Please help me to have a giving heart, help me to truly desire to help the poor and needy. Help me to care more about others. Amen

Day 14 of 90: Repetition

2010-07-18T06:00:00.003-04:00

Today's reading, Deuteronomy 8-23, is more looking back. Moses is still making it clear to the Israelites that they had better not forget what God has done for them.

Deuteronomy:

8:1 Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply
8:6 Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him.
8:11 Beware that you do not forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments, His judgments, and His statutes which I command you today
8:18 And you shall remember the LORD your God
9:7 Remember! Do not forget how you provoked the LORD your God to wrath in the wilderness.
10:12-13 And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the LORD and His statutes which I command you today for your good
10:20 You shall fear the LORD your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in His name.
11:1 Therefore you shall love the LORD your God, and keep His charge, His statutes, His judgments, and His commandments always.
11:8 Therefore you shall keep every commandment which I command you today
11:13 And it shall be that if you earnestly obey My commandments which I command you today, to love the LORD your God and serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul
11:22 For if you carefully keep all these commandments which I command you to do—to love the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, and to hold fast to Him
11:27 if you obey the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you today
11:32 And you shall be careful to observe all the statutes and judgments which I set before you today.
12:28 Observe and obey all these words which I command you, that it may go well with you and your children after you forever, when you do what is good and right in the sight of the LORD your God.
12:32 Whatever I command you, be careful to observe it; you shall not add to it nor take away from it.
13:4 You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear Him, and keep His commandments and obey His voice; you shall serve Him and hold fast to Him.
13:18 because you have listened to the voice of the LORD your God, to keep all His commandments which I command you today, to do what is right in the eyes of the LORD your God.
15:5 only if you carefully obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe with care all these commandments which I command you today.

I find it amazing how many times keeping God's commands is referenced. I'm sure I missed some, but there's 18 times in just 8 chapters. God really wants to make sure that the Israelites hear Him. It is perfectly clear what it is that He requires of them. No one will ever be able to say, "But I didn't know!"

I can't say I didn't know. God made it crystal clear to me today that He is the one in control. He makes the rules and expects my obedience. I am to follow His commands.
And if I didn't get it from all of that, He showed me again with another series of verses. These all say "in the place the Lord your God chooses." Deuteronomy 12:5, 11, 14, 18, 21, 26; 14:24, 25; 16:2, 6, 7, 11, 15, 16; 17:8; and 18:6.
Again, He made it crystal clear that it's all about Him. Everything is all about where God chooses, what He chooses, who He chooses. It's not about me. It's all about Him.

Day 13 of 90: History

2010-07-17T06:00:00.001-04:00

I'm sure you've heard the expression "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it". That's what I kept thinking while reading today's passage. Deuteronomy is full of Moses' words reminding the Israelites what all God has done for them. There isn't necessarily anything new so far, but it is interesting that God is having Moses tell the people again.

There were a few verses that stood out to me:
Deuteronomy 4:15-16 You saw no form of any kind the day the LORD spoke to you at Horeb out of the fire. Therefore watch yourselves very carefully, so that you do not become corrupt and make for yourselves an idol, an image of any shape, whether formed like a man or a woman.
That never clicked for me before. God didn't have a form when He interacted with the people. I never thought about why. But this makes sense.

Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
Mostly, I read passages like this and leave out a word or two. This time, if is the important word. If you seek with all your hear and soul, then you will find.

Deuteronomy 5:33 Walk in all the way that the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess.
There's a condition on our blessings. We have to walk in the way of the Lord, then we get blessing.

Deuteronomy 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
This is another favorite verse. And the important word is all; all your heart, all your soul, all your strength.

Deuteronomy 6:7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
It's my job to teach my children what is really important.

Deuteronomy 7:7-9 The LORD did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.
This passage is amazing. There was nothing special about the Israelites. But God is the special one. He chose them and because He did, He will always keep His covenant.

Just a thought...

2010-07-16T10:33:00.000-04:00

I'm sure everyone has verses from the Bible that are favorites, verses that mean something special to a person, verses that were read at their wedding, verses that remind them of family members, all kinds of special verses.

One of my favorites is in today's reading.
God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? ~Numbers 23:19

All too often I forget that God is not like me. He isn't human; He doesn't make mistakes. He cannot lie; He will not change His mind; He never breaks His promises. I am so thankful for that.

As I wrote this, I was reminded of something I saw in one of the Bible in 90 Days DVDs. Man was created in the image and likeness of God. Image is the potential to show God's character, and likeness is the ability to carry it out. As humans, we have retained the image but lost the likeness.
There is nothing that can adequately express how grateful I am that God sent Jesus to be my savior. It is only through Him that I can even see that I need to try to become more like Him. I want to do my best to find a way to show the likeness of God. I can't do that without Him.

Day 12 of 90: Misconceptions

2010-07-16T08:03:00.000-04:00

I have a confession. There are some parts of the Bible I know very little about. And there are some parts that I thought I knew but it turns out I didn't.

The story of Balaam and his donkey is one I didn't know completely.
So, we all know that Balaam had a donkey and the donkey talked. Honestly, I get a little tickled at that part. I mean, really, a talking donkey. And Balaam didn't even act surprised that the donkey he'd had for years was all of a sudden talking.
But the part that I never paid attention to was who Balaam was. I had always assumed he was one of God's people. I mean, after all, he and God talked, and he blessed the Israelites.
As a child, that's mainly what I got from that passage of scripture. (which is Numbers 22)

Guess I was missing a lot. It wasn't until I read this section in January that I realized Balaam is not a good guy. He is not one of God's children. In fact, he would bless or curse anyone for enough money.
But, of course, he couldn't go against the one true God, so he could only bless Israel.

But I never realized all that. I'm sure growing up I heard about Balaam. I knew that there was a passage in the Bible that had a talking donkey. But I never knew all the details.
I wonder what else in the Bible I only know a part of? Having just read through the Bible in January-March this year, I should know more. But I still find myself questioning things. I still have misconceptions about certain parts of it. There are places where I read into it instead of just reading it. I need to pay more attention and pray, ask God to help me see what He wants me to see, to hear what He was saying instead of what I want to hear.
I'm trying. I want to read the Bible with the help of the Holy Spirit. I want to be able to discern what God is telling me. I want to understand. And the best way to do that is to pray and ask for His help.

But it means I have to keep reading. And never forget Balaam and his donkey. That's what I think of now that reminds me I don't know it all.

Day 11 of 90: God's anger

2010-07-15T06:00:00.004-04:00

Reading Leviticus and Numbers can be difficult. But it's also very interesting. God was very detailed in the rules that He gave the Israelites. There are even provisions for times when people unintentionally sin or become unclean. He thought of everything.

But the people still disobeyed. Even though they witnessed numerous miracles (the plagues, parting of the Red Sea, the cloud, the pillar of fire, manna, and on and on) they still whined and complained. It was always, "Why did you bring us out in the desert to die? We were fine being slaves in Egypt. At least we had food to eat." Whine, whine, whine. Never satisfied. A lot like people now-a-days. And, well, a lot like me.

So it should come as no surprise (even though it does) that God got angry and punished them.

Now when the people complained, it displeased the LORD; for the LORD heard it, and His anger was aroused. Numbers 11:1
and the anger of the LORD was greatly aroused; Numbers 11:10
So the anger of the LORD was aroused against them, and He departed. Numbers 12:9

He does get angry. But He is holy, His anger is not wrong. The people deserved His anger and punishment.

Then the LORD said to Moses: “How long will these people reject Me? And how long will they not believe Me, with all the signs which I have performed among them? Numbers 14:11
They had no reason to doubt Him and yet they did. They deserved whatever punishment the Lord meted out to them.
Then the LORD said: “I have pardoned, according to your word; but truly, as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD— because all these men who have seen My glory and the signs which I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and have put Me to the test now these ten times, and have not heeded My voice, they certainly shall not see the land of which I swore to their fathers, nor shall any of those who rejected Me see it. Numbers 14:20-23

The same is true of me; I deserve to be punished for my sins. But I am so thankful that God provided for me. By giving me His Son, Jesus, the one who took my punishment for me. I would be nothing without Him. Thank you Lord. And help me to stop complaining, to stop whining, to follow Your commands, to stop testing You. Thank you for sending Your Son to be my savior. Nothing else compares. I am blessed.

Day 10 of 90

2010-07-14T20:18:00.000-04:00

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. ~Numbers 6:24-26

I had forgotten that was in Numbers. It is such a beautiful passage. But I think that too often we forget what it really means.

The Lord bless you and keep you. He blesses me all the time. Every morning when I get out of bed, it's a blessing. I am not promised one single day on this earth. So each day that I have is a blessing.
He also keeps me. Keeps me. Hmmmm, here's what I think that means. I think it means that He keeps me close, He takes care of me, He protects me. That is so true, especially if I follow the Bible. He lays out the path for my life in His word. And if I follow Him, he blesses and keeps me.

The LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. Wow! Who wouldn't want the Lord's face to shine upon them? I know I do. How wonderful it will be that day when I stand face to face with my Lord and get to see His shining face. I imagine it won't be so much face to face as me lying flat on my face, but I want that moment, I long for that moment.
Gracious, what a word. I think of someone who is kind, compassionate, someone who thinks of others even when others are not kind and compassionate. And isn't that just like my heavenly Father? He still showers me with love and kindness and compassion, even when I don't deserve it. He is gracious.

The LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. Imagine the Lord turning His face toward you. Joined with the previous verses, this is another blessing. He is turning His face toward me and giving me peace. Not world peace, not the peace that others think of, but the true, everlasting peace that can only come from Him.

This whole blessing is tied up as the most marvelous gift ever in Jesus Christ. Through Jesus, ever part of this blessing is fulfilled. Isn't that amazing? God gave us a gift, the gift of His Son, the gift of everlasting life.
While it is a free gift, there is something we must do. We must believe Jesus, believe that He is our savior, believe that He is the way, the truth, and the life, and that He is the only way to heaven. We have to accept Him, and obey His commands.

Day 9 of 90: Jesus

2010-07-13T06:00:00.001-04:00

I admit it; reading Leviticus is hard. I feel like I'm slogging through mud. And I don't get every part of it. There are some of the rules I scratch my head and try hard to understand, but honestly, I just don't. And the punishment for sin is so harsh.

But yet, God is holy. In Leviticus 22:31-33 He says, “Therefore you shall keep My commandments, and perform them: I am the LORD. You shall not profane My holy name, but I will be hallowed among the children of Israel. I am the LORD who sanctifies you, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD.”

And even though I don't always understand it all, I know there is a reason. He is holy, and because He is holy, He has provided for us. We will never be able to live up to the rules He gives us in the Bible. I cannot ever be holy or righteous enough. But God, in His infinite compassion, has given us a way out.
His name is Jesus. The most beautiful name on earth. The only name by which we may be saved.
I will always mess up. I will always sin. And the punishment for my sin is death, and it is deserved.

Jesus took my place. If I had to make a sacrifice every time I broke one of God's commandments, I would never do anything but sin and sacrifice. But God gave me a way out. There is no more need of the blood sacrifices that are outlined in Leviticus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus is my blood sacrifice. And He gave Himself willingly for me. For me. Think about that. Personalize it. It is about me. I'm not being self-centered when I say that. Jesus knew my name, He knew everything about me when He chose to hang up there on the cross and become my blood sacrifice. He did it for me.

I guess that sums up Leviticus for me. It's not about the rules and punishments, well, it is, but it's so much more. It's shining a light and showing us Jesus, the ultimate sacrifice.

Day 8 of 90: Pity Party

2010-07-12T06:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, raise your hand if you find it hard to read Leviticus. Anyone? Anyone? Wow, I must be the only one.
I have to admit that my mind wandered a bit here. I think part of it is that I just did B90 in January, so it's more fresh. Well, okay, it's more that I know that I just read it so it's like I want to skim. I'm working hard at not doing that. But I am not there completely yet.

But here's what I've been thinking about the last couple of days. I'm such a spoiled brat. Really. I've been having a pity party all by myself. I've been hearing so many that are on this journey with me talk about having a Kindle or a Nook, or downloading the Bible on their phone. And I don't have any of those neat gadgets. And I loves me some gadgets. But I can't afford to buy any. I really, really, drooling down my chin really, want an iPhone or blackberry or anything that is a phone that I can also get online with. Ooooh, I dream about it. And even though I am at home most of the time, the couple of times I have left the house since we started reading B90, I've thought how nice it would be to have something that had the Bible loaded on it, something small, and easy to hold. I have been coveting like crazy.

And it hit me, that's breaking a commandment. I just read about that. D'oh. And I'm feeling so sorry for myself. And it's not a pretty sight.

Then yesterday morning, I was in the bathroom, where I keep a Bible, and I read a chapter. Then I went into my room and picked up a different Bible and read another chapter. Then I meandered into the kitchen. I didn't feel like walking all the way back to my bedroom to get my Bible so I just got my son's Bible that was on the shelf with all our homeschool books. And then, even later, I went to church where, in case I forgot mine, there were plenty of Bibles for me to read. And when I came home, I was able to get online and read some different versions on BibleGateway.
And there is not one thing special about that. Not one. I'll bet no one reading is amazed by what I just wrote.
Wow. I am totally spoiled. I can touch a Bible within a minute, at any point in the day. Here I've been whining about not having a Bible downloaded on some electronic device and I have several Bibles that I own, that I can read whenever I want.
And yet, there are people all over this world that can't do that. There are even places where it is against the law to own a Bible.

So, please forgive me for being selfish. I've prayed about it and know I'm forgiven, but I want to do more. I need to find somewhere I can donate some of the old Bibles we have in our house that we don't use anymore. I would also like to find a place I can make a donation that gets Bibles into the hands of those without. So, anyone know of a reputable charity?

Day 7 of 90: Are you willing?

2010-07-11T08:00:00.001-04:00

I'm tired. Still not completely over my cold. So today's entry is going to be very short. I hope everyone who is reading along is staying caught up in the reading. Next up is Leviticus and that can be harder to read, and easier to fall behind. Stay with it though, the reward is priceless!

What jumped right out at me for today's reading (which was Exodus 29:1 - 40:28) was Exodus 35:21 and everyone who was willing and whose heart moved him came and brought an offering to the LORD for the work on the Tent of Meeting, for all its service, and for the sacred garments.

God could have forced every Israelite to bring offerings. But He didn't. Only the people who were willing and whose heart was moved brought offerings.
That's a lot like it is now. He is offering us the gift of salvation, but we have to be willing to accept it. Plain and simple.

Day 6 of 90: Rulers

2010-07-10T08:00:00.002-04:00

Reading for today: Exodus 15:19- 28:43

One thing jumped out at me in this section. And it's very timely for me. Let me just say this, it should come as no surprise to people who know me, either through this blog or personally, that I am not a democrat. I do not approve of many of the ideals of that political party. I am registered as a republican, but can't say I'm all that impressed with that party either. I think the direction our country is going is simply in the opposite direction of God, a direction both parties have led us.

I don't get into politics all that much. I don't really understand a lot of it. But I know what I believe. I believe that God is my ruler. He is the only one I need to worry about obeying.

And I try. I don't always succeed. But I try.

Lately in my house, we have had many discussions about our government. My step-father, who we live with, is staunchly republican. He watches Fox News, reads WorldNetDaily, watches Glenn Beck, oh, if it's conservative politically, he knows about it. I don't always agree with everything he says, but he does research everything and think it through and really means what he says. So, politics come up a lot. And you can imagine that President Obama is not someone who is looked at favorably here. However, everyone in this household does respect him. He is our President and he deserves respect just as everyone does.
But that said, there are many times our discussions have led to the thought that President Obama is leading our country to a terrible place.

And even though I don't care for the job he's doing, it annoys me when people completely trash him. I don't like him, but that doesn't make him less of a person to me, less worthy. So I steer clear of insults and put downs.
But I never know how to respond to others who do hurl insults and sneers his way.

Now I know. God showed me today.
Exodus 22:28 You shall not revile God, nor curse a ruler of your people.
The commentary in my Bible says "Since God is the ultimate sovereign, to curse a lesser ruler might encourage disrespect for God's authority."
Wow! I always knew that we should show respect for those in authority even when we didn't agree, but to see it in the Word is amazing.

So now my plan is to pray for President Obama, and to pray for all of our political leaders. More than anything, I am going to pray that they find God. They need Him so much. And I'm going to pray that they will allow God to lead them and show them how to govern in a way pleasing to Him.

Day 5 of 90: Here I am?

2010-07-09T16:50:00.000-04:00

Hi to anyone reading along with B90Days. Hope your reading is going well. In another couple of days, we'll be in Leviticus. That's some hard reading, but it is worth it. So keep reading, keep reading, keep reading. Today, I took my Bible with me to Health Plus, where I waited about an hour to be seen. Thank goodness I do not have strep throat. I did get a lot of reading done. It is always good to have a Bible handy so you can read wherever you are. *Blush* I even keep a Bible in the bathroom. Sometimes I escape there and lock the door and just read for a few minutes. I can usually read a chapter or two before someone comes looking.

Now, here's my SOAP for today:

Scripture: Exodus 4:13 But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

Observation: Moses did not quickly and without hesitation say "Here I am" as Abraham did.

Application: All too often I say "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." I want to be as obedient as Abraham and say "Here I am" but unfortunately I am more like Moses.

This B90Days is a perfect example of that. My friend Kari, one of the mentors, asked me if I was up for doing it again. At first, I hesitated. While I enjoyed my first journey through the Bible in 90 days, I wasn't sure if right now I was ready to do it again. But I realized it would be good for me. So I told her I'd love to do it. And was excited that this time we could do it together. Then she asked if I was going to be a mentor.

Ummmmmm, "Oh Lord, please send someone else to do it." Not kidding at all, that is really what I thought. He has been pushing me to do more, poking at me, nudging me, and lately, flat out shoving me. I knew it, I even remarked on it to a couple of people. But when asked point blank if I was going to do something that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was the kind of thing He'd been pushing me toward, my first thought was "Me?? Really?? Wouldn't someone else be a better choice?"

But, I obeyed. I did. I'm nervous, afraid I will let people down, afraid I'll let God down. But I'm doing it. I'm a mentor. (Hi all my mentees out there!)

Even though Moses didn't immediately jump up and do as God had asked, he still did it. There's something to be said for that.

Prayer: Father God, here I am. I know I didn't come as soon as You called, forgive me for that. But I am here now. I am willing to do what You ask. Lord, please help me to continue to do whatever it is You ask of me. I pray that I will be a good mentor, that I will bring glory to You. I pray for each of my mentees. Let them feel Your presence during this journey. Let them get what they need from Your Word. Amen.

Day 4 of 90: Go where the grain is.

2010-07-08T13:44:00.000-04:00

I have a cold, and am in a not-so-good mood. I thought this morning would be a great time to sit down and read all of my reading for today in one sitting. Something I never did the first time I did B90Days. So I made the boys go outside to play, since it's too hot in the afternoon to do so, and I got my coffee and sat on the porch. Ahhhh, the best of intentions. Yeah, not so much reading going on. But such is life with three young children. I am actually ahead in my reading so I still have time to get more read today.
But the best part is, being in God's Word every day helps me get over my bad moods faster and helps me deal with the boys in a calmer, more patient way. Yay!

So, onto my SOAP from MomsToolbox for day 4, Genesis 40-50.

Scripture: Genesis 42:2 He continued, "I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy some for us, so that we may live and not die."

Observation: Jacob, very wisely, pointed out that Egypt is where the grain is. There is no grain in Canaan. You have to go where the grain is in order to have enough to eat.

Application: "Go where the grain is", it seems so simple and yet, how often I miss it. If I want to be fed, I have to get food. I can't just make it materialize where I stand. I have to actually go where the food is and get some for me and my family. It requires action on my part.
The same is true of God's Word. If I don't read it, it doesn't feed me. I have to actually get my Bible out and read it for it to mean anything to me. I can read all the commentaries I want, I can listen to sermons all day long, but I won't get truly fed until I pick up my Bible and read it. While there may be kernels of truth in a sermon or a commentary, there is no substitute for the whole meal you can find in the Bible.

Prayer: Lord, I love You. I love reading Your Word. It is the only thing that shows me who You really are. Help me, father, to be hungry for more of Your Word. I want more of Your Word, so I may live and not die. Amen.

Day 2 of 90: Here I am

2010-07-06T15:51:00.001-04:00

SOAP from MomsToolbox

Scripture: Genesis 22:1 Now it came to pass after these things that God tested Abraham, and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am."

Observation: Abraham did not hesitate. There was no second guessing. God spoke and Abraham answered.

Application: When God calls on me to do something, I should do it. There should be no hesitating, no questioning, no wondering if God made a mistake and called on the wrong person. I should be ready to do whatever He asks, whenever He calls.

Prayer: Lord God, creator of all the earth, help me to recognize Your voice all the time. Help me know that when You call, I can answer. You will always be with me and will help me with anything. I am strong because I have You. I can do anything because You are with me.
Please help me to have courage to say "Here I am" without hesitation. Help me to do what You ask. Amen.

B90Days, day 1

2010-07-05T10:31:00.004-04:00

Today is Day 1 of my journey through the Bible. For those of you just joining me here from MomsToolbox, I'll do a quick intro.

I am Mae, the truly blessed wife of Hub, who I have been married to for going on 13 years. We are even more blessed to have three wonderful boys, Dino is almost 8, Frog is almost 6, and Monkey is 3. And I get to homeschool these smart fellas. Yay!

I have been a Christian for what seems like my whole life, but it wasn't until I was an adult, in my mid-twenties, that I really found out what it meant to have a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus. I grew up in church, read bits and pieces of the Bible along the way, but I never read thw whole thing cover to cover. I attempted many times, but always found that something got in the way. Until January of this year. I started the Read the Bible in 90 Days program with a small group of ladies, my mother being one of them. It was a wonderful experience and I'm so thankful I got a chance to participate. I did not finish in 90 days though; it took me 91. (wink)

The experience was such a good one that I decided to do it again. I don't know how well I'll do with the technical side of things, like Twitter, but I am ready to do the reading.

Now, anyone want to explain how I can get one of the cute bible in 90 Days, Join Us, thingies in my post? See, told you I was going to have problems with the technical side.

Ahem

2010-07-04T21:49:00.000-04:00

So, the last post notwithstanding, we shall ignore the fact that it's been almost 2 months since my last update.
What? You didn't notice? Well, we're moving right along anyway.

The last week has been crazy. I have a cold, which has been developing for several days and is full blown now. I hate having colds. Blech. Oh, and Dino and Frog had the chicken pox. Spots started last Monday and followed the classic pattern. They both had very mild cases and haven't had new spots in a few days. Monkey has so far not had any spots. The awesome part is that they've all three had the vaccine. Yippee!! So glad I made them get that shot just so that they could get the pox anyway a few years later.
Okay, just a little sarcasm. I will say that had I known all I know now about immunizations, I don't think I would have done them all. The boys have had all that are recommended, on a slightly delayed schedule. I don't like them to get more than one shot at a time, so that delayed things a bit. But now, eh, I don't think I would have done them all.

Moving right along, I signed up to do another Read the Bible in 90 Days, this time through MomsToolbox. Last time I did this, I was in a group and we met once a week. I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle the online version, but I really want to do it again. It was such a wonderful experience the first time around so I'm sure it will be again. I just don't know how I'll manage with the online aspects, especially Twitter. I just don't get Twitter. But, I guess I can learn.

And well, that's all I've got for tonight. I started this post at 2ish this afternoon and it is now almost 10. It's been a long day. Because we were "quarantined" for the pox, we had a fun 4th celebration here at home. We ate dinner outside, picnic'ish style, roasted marshmallows and had s'mores and the boys and Hub are sleeping in the tent. Okay, Monkey is in the house, and, yep, now Frog is in the house. We'll see who makes it all night. So, I'm tired and going to go to bed soon. I've got a busy day reading ahead of me tomorrow!

The news that's fit to print...

2010-05-10T23:23:00.002-04:00

Been awhile. Lots going on here. Not gonna be able to blog about all of it right now. But I did want to at least share a bit of what's going on.

I had a birthday. I'm *gasp* almost 40. Noooooooooooo!!! It was a wonderful birthday. All my boys spoiled me rotten. Very nice.
Woke up the next morning to find out that my grandpa had died. I'm sad; I'll miss him. But he is so much happier now. He'd been in bad shape the last several years, and now he's dancing in heaven.

Then I messed up my wrist bungee jumping. What's that? I didn't hear you. Could you repeat that? I don't understand.
Okay, fine. I messed up my wrist playing ping-pong on the Wii. Okay?? (hang my head in shame) Yep. I'm that goof ball that can't play the Wii right and ends up with a bum wrist. And one doctor visit and a prescription later, it's finally feeling much better.

Other than that, things are moving along here. Trying to get finished up with the school year. We've gotten really far behind. But not so much that I think we've missed out. Both boys are ahead of their peers around here so I think we're fine. I get worried because I feel the need to make sure they are doing exceptionally well to show that homeschoolers are all that and a bag of chips. I need to focus more on what my kids need, not what other people think homeschool kids need.
Then I went to the Sonlight forums and oh boy, did I get my butt kicked. Sheesh. I need to leave well enough alone. Nothing happened. I didn't actually post anything. It's just that I read a ton. And it seems that most people in my situation would be using a lower Core from Sonlight than I am. And they are very vocal about it. And I tend to take everything seriously. I was doubting what is working for me and the boys. And really, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
I like exactly what I'm doing now for school, except a couple of things that I have already changed. So why was I second guessing myself just because some people online who don't know me or my kids were saying that I am using too advanced a program for my kids. D'uh. I need to have more self confidence. Course, that's one of my biggest problems all around anyway. Ugh.

Moving on...
Awhile back I posted some pics from the critters we got in the mail. We got butterflies (caterpillars, actually), lady bugs, and praying mantises. And boy, have we had fun with all the bugs!

Lady bugs:

Butterflies:

Fresh out of the chrysalis; see how the wings are curled?

Hard to see, but a beautiful copper color in the middle.

All three

Here's one on release day.

And my favorite, praying mantises:

(they hatched on my birthday- lucky me!)

They are hard to see, but there are over a hundred. They are light green and up and down the sides of the "house".

Releasing them today:

Okay, I could just eat them up. Aren't my kids the cutest?

We enjoyed all of our critters so much and can't wait until we can get more.

And now, well, I've run out of steam. I wanted to do another post about all my "get healthy-lose weight" stuff. But I'm tired. And off to bed I must go. Tomorrow is another day.

*I'm having a horrible editing problem. And I'm too tired to spend more time on it. So, this is the best I got for now. *

Someone prayed for me today.

2010-04-26T23:45:00.000-04:00

Prayer is a wonderful thing. I like praying. I don't do it as often as I should, but I feel more connected to God when I pray. I also just like talking to my Father. Often times throughout the day I will just say something to Him, chat about life. I want to be His friend and Him be mine. And the only way I know to be friends with someone is by talking to them. You can't ever get to know someone unless you talk with them. So, even though I don't pray enough, I know what a wonderful thing it is; it is beautiful.

It's also something we are commanded to do. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." And when God tells me to do something, I try my best to obey. I fail, often. But I have to at least try.
We are also commanded to pray for each other. James 5:16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. We are also told to "Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2
I try to pray for others as much as I can. I know that this also makes me feel closer to God. Anytime I do anything that He asks me to, I feel closer to Him.
But I also feel closer to the person I am praying for. Whether it be someone I know personally or not, when I pray for someone, I feel a responsibility for them. I think that is part of why we should pray. It connects us.

And today, I felt connected.
I had a hard day today. I have been working on some things in my life that the Lord has shown me needed work. Okay, so I haven't been working on them like I should be, so God decided to kind of, ahem, make me work on them. And I have been struggling.
So last night when Hub told me he wanted to buy a car, and it would wipe out most of our savings, I kinda freaked out (silently). See, God has been showing me that I should be submitting more to Hub. And I have been trying so hard to hold onto the control in our marriage and it's a heavy burden to bear, especially since it's not mine. And God has also been trying to show me that money isn't as important as I keep thinking it is. We have very little, and most of the time it's quite fine by me. I know that our choices are seen as strange to some but because we are doing what God wants us to do, I can deal with it. Of course, we almost always have a safety net financially. Not much, but when we get our tax refund every year, I put it in the bank and save it. When our savings dwindle, I get nervous.
So, when Hub tells me he's buying a car and I realize how that affects our savings, I didn't handle it well. Last night was a rough night. I didn't sleep well. And this morning was a big struggle. I gotta tell you, it was one of the hardest mornings I can remember in quite awhile. I had to force myself to give Hub my blessing. And I wasn't nearly as gracious about it as I should have been. But I did it.

And as the day progressed, my burden got lighter and lighter. I realized that someone was praying, cause I sure wasn't. God was answering someone else's prayers, not mine. And I'm grateful and ashamed. I should have been praying; praying for Hub, who is making huge strides in taking his rightful place as the head of our family, and I should have been praying for strength for myself, and that I can learn to let go of money and rely on God. Okay, I should have been praying for a lot more than that, but you get the idea.

I have no idea who was praying for me today, and that's okay. I still felt it. I actually got to a place where I was completely peaceful about this whole situation. We needed a car. There is no question about that. And the fact that Hub was willing to step out and do it all himself is amazing. He has never done something like this before. And it's awesome that he did something knowing I wasn't completely on board; he's never done that before.
Okay, I know that sounded so strange. I'm proud that he did something that I was against. Wow! See, the praying worked even better than I realized earlier. What Hub did today was the right thing. I didn't want to see it, didn't want to let go of my issues, didn't want to do what I should have done. But he was able to do the right thing anyway. This is huge for us!!

I so totally don't know how to end this post. I'm sitting here stunned over what I just figured out. I'm a compose a post as you go type of blogger so things can end up not where I meant for them to when I started. Sooooo, thank you. Thanks friend for praying. Thank you for obeying God. Today it made a huge difference.
Okay, so praying makes a huge difference every day, today, the difference is in me. Yay!

I am not a female: Update

2010-04-18T23:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so in my 100th post a few days ago, we (and yes, I am using the royal "we") discussed the fact that I might not really be a female.
Well, I have decided that in fact, I am indeed a female. I bought something and used it and it convinced me that lurking under my not girly-girl exterior is an honest to goodness girl!
In honor of my upcoming *gasp* 39th birthday, I bought myself something I had been wanting to try for some time. But because I am not a girly-girl, I considered it a frivolous item that would probably collect dust, so I would never indulge myself.
That has all changed now. I bought myself a hair straightener. And it is marvelous!!! I love it!
How much do I love it you ask? Well, I took a picture of myself, you know, the un-beautiful one, the me that I have a hard time seeing the way that God sees me. Yup. I took a picture and while I still don't immediately say "beautiful" when I look at it, I do see that my hair is gorgeous! And even though I have a sunburn from spending time out at the ball field, I can begin to see what God sees in me. Okay, I will even admit to being able to see some beauty here. I am me, wife to a wonderful man, mom to amazing kids, and a daughter of the Most High King. And, well, that makes me a Princess, so I guess I have to at least admit that I am a female. (Ha!)

One of Those Days

2010-04-17T00:52:00.001-04:00

No kidding, it's been one of those days.
I went to town and only discovered that I left my wallet at home when I got to the checkout.
After going home and getting my wallet and then going back and re-shopping, I find out that I had forgotten that I was supposed to have Dino at church for his last round of testing an hour earlier.
I make dinner early so I can get Frog to soccer practice on time only to lose track of time and end up late.
I also forgot his shin guards for practice so I just hope he doesn't get kicked. (he didn't)
I fell asleep when putting Monkey to bed and messed up "date" night for me and Hub. (Never fear; it was only postponed a little bit. I woke up soon enough to spend some time with Hub before he went to bed.)

And now I'm sitting on the computer instead of sleeping. Okay, I'm not really sitting on the computer. Just typing on it. Or typing at it? Or sitting beside it, typing on it, staring at the screen? Something.

So, the biggest tidbit about the day that stands out to me is forgetting Dino's test. I am really shocked that I did that. I have been obsessing about that test for weeks. Is he ready? Did I teach the right things? Is he going to score well enough? On and on and on.
I was the kid who liked to get good grades. I never wanted to work all that hard for them, but I enjoyed getting good grades. By the time I went to college in my 20's, I was definitely into getting all A's. I was extremely hard on myself if I did not perform at the level I thought I should. I went to community college and got a two-year degree. I graduated with a 3.94 grade point average. I can still tell you all about the one B I got that kept me from having a 4.0. That is still with me even though it happened over 10 years ago.
I have to work really hard at not projecting that onto the boys. I don't think grades are everything. You can perform well in something but still not get a perfect score. And often, getting a bit less than perfect is more fun anyway.
I am working on it. But I think another part of it is that I don't want to let homeschooling down. I feel this need to make sure the institution of homeschooling is protected. Irrational I know, but what I feel nonetheless. I know the statistics. In fact, I use the statistics quite often to show people that homeschooling is not a bad thing. There are many people in my life who don't agree with my choice to homeschool. And I have been quick to assure them that homeschooled kids outperform public schools kids in standardized tests every time. And the thought that my homeschooled kid might not terrifies me. And I have got to let that go. It is not good to be this way.
I was able to look at Dino's test this week. I had to go behind him and make sure all his answers were bubbled in correctly. So I got to get a feel for how he did. And there are going to be some areas he will have scored better than average, and some areas that he will not have scored as well. And that's okay. Part of the wonderfulness that is homeschooling is the ability to cater to each child. Dino is a phenomenal reader. He loves to read and has a vast vocabulary as a result. So, he did well in his reading comprehension and vocab sections. However, he does not like Language Arts in general. He is not interested in spelling or grammar. He will tell you a detailed story in a heartbeat, but ask him to write it down and it becomes a two sentence, boring mess. He's very good in math but he doesn't think he is, so he tends to not pay attention or concentrate.
These are things I knew about Dino going into his test, so the fact that I was upset when I saw that he had not done as well on some sections of the test is silly.
And for that matter, I don't even know what his score will be. I only know that he didn't get all of the answers right.
And it's an absurd way to look at the whole thing. He doesn't have to be perfect. He doesn't have to have straight A's. He is an intelligent boy and it's my job to teach him to think for himself, not be a miniature me.
And he most certainly does not need to carry the weight of the entire homeschool movement on his shoulders.

Do I believe that homeschooling is a wonderful thing? Yes. Do I believe that in general homeschoolers are getting a better education than their public school counterparts? In general, yes. Do I feel like every parent who would like to should be able to homeschool? Yes. Do I feel like anyone can do it? Yes.

Homeschooling is a wonderful way to educate your children. Anyone can do it. There are so many options out there, that even if a parent doesn't think they have the necessary brains to do it, they can.

But my reason for homeschooling isn't just about the education. It isn't just about helping my children get good grades and go to top colleges. It's about their salvation. I personally believe that public schools now are doing their level best to stamp out Christianity. I cannot willingly send my children into an environment where I feel their faith will be torn up by the roots. I know that God is calling me and Hub to homeschool our children and do our best to instill a saving faith in Jesus Christ in them.
So the test scores shouldn't matter. Nothing else should matter but what God thinks about it. It doesn't matter that people in my life disagree. Even if the boys score way below public school kids, it doesn't matter. What matters is that Hub and I are doing what God wants. Everything else pales in comparison.

So, that is what I am holding on to. Even when I have one of those days.

Completely random and useless

2010-04-14T23:48:00.001-04:00

This marks the 100th post. Wow! In honor of that, I am going to make a list of 100 ~~useless~~ ~~random~~ ~~silly~~ ~~irrelevant~~ absolutely brilliant pieces of information!

I am a female.
I like being a female most of the time.
I do not like pantyhose.
I have the whitest legs on the planet.
And yet, I still refuse to wear pantyhose.
Pantyhose itch, chafe, irritate, and just generally annoy.
Plus, they cut off the circulation to my legs.
I do not wear make-up.
I do occasionally wear lip gloss or lipstick. Very rarely.
I do not own any hair care appliances.
Well, I own a hair dryer, but that is all.
I haven't worn a dress or a skirt in well over a year.
I can't actually remember the last time I wore a dress or a skirt.
I don't wear jewelry very often.
My wedding ring does not fit anymore, so I never wear it.
I don't wear a watch.
Once in awhile I wear earrings.
This list is starting to make me think maybe item #1 isn't entirely true.
I'm joking.
But I am not a girly-girl.
I don't particularly like pink.
Or purple.
Oh, wait! I like nail polish!
Does that qualify me for female-hood?
In the summer I will paint my toenails.
Not my fingernails.
I like crazy colors on my toes.
When I was pregnant with Dino, my doctor told me to take off my toenail polish before he was born.
It was a pale blue color that led her to believe I had some problems.
I forgot to remove it until the night my water broke.
You're imagining a 9-month pregnant, laboring woman removing toenail polish, aren't you?
It was comical.
Oh, hey, being pregnant proves I'm a female!! Yay!!
I can prattle on like this for hours.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Aren't you lucky?!?
I have the best friends in the world.
No, seriously, I mean that.
I have friends that will always be there for me.
I have friends who send me random packages in the mail just to cheer me up.
I have friends who will play silly games with me just cause I like them.
I have friends who laugh at my ridiculous jokes.
I have friends that even when it's been awhile since we've talked, we're so close we can just pick up where we left off.
I love that.
Some of the best friends I have ever had in my life I've met online.
Only some of them have I met in person.
I have some friends that I only know online.
They are still some of my very best friends ever.
I love that I can be myself with them and they accept me anyway.
I also love that my friends love me in spite of myself.
They can look past the goof ball and see the vulnerable inside of me.
And love me anyway.
My family loves me too.
But they have to. It's in the contract.
I should really make a contract and make them all sign it.
That would be fun.
I have a crazy family.
I have two moms.
I have two dads.
And I really consider them that way.
I will often say step-parent just to differentiate.
I have one brother who shares the same mother and father biologically.
I have 4 other brothers.
I have no sisters.
Maybe this ties into the whole me not being all that girly.
Between all my brothers, I have 5 nieces and 5 nephews.
And I have 4 sisters-in-law.
And some of them are awesome.
Okay, I'm joking.
All of them are awesome.
Hey, they married into our family so they must be pretty darn fabulous!
One of my brothers is an alcoholic.
I want to save him.
I can't.
He makes me really ticked off sometimes.
But I still love him.
Another one of my brothers is an arrogant jerk.
I usually only see him once a year.
But, again, I still love him.
I would still do anything for him.
Not all of my brothers know Jesus.
I wish they all did.
I breaks my heart to think that they don't want to know the Lord.
Then I think about everyone else who doesn't know the Lord.
And I wish I could save everyone.
But I can't.
I can't save anyone.
It's not my job.
My job is only to live the life God wants me to live.
I can only be a witness for Him.
He's the one who does the actual saving.
And golly bum, He's fantastic at it.
He saved me.
And I am forever grateful.
Not only did He give me the greatest gift ever, my salvation, He also showers me with blessings.
He gave me tons of wonderful friends.
He made me a part of my fabulous family.
He blessed me with the most amazing husband.
He thought enough of me to allow me to raise three of the best boys in the entire world.
He is.

Wow! Easier than I thought. I can talk a lot. But it took me several days to complete this blog. I only had one sentence for days. Some kind of mental block.
But I'm back now. And I already have a great blog planned for tomorrow. Stay tuned!

He is risen indeed!

2010-04-04T00:05:00.000-04:00

Thank you Jesus, though the words "Thank you" are woefully inadequate.

My life has no meaning apart from you.

So....

2010-03-31T11:03:00.000-04:00

So, life is moving here. Things are crazy like always. My grandpa is not doing well. He's 89 years old and has had two heart attacks and has had everything done medically that can be done. He's tired and he's ready to go home. And in all honesty, that's what I'm praying for. I don't want to think about grandpa not being here, but I don't want him to keep on like he has been. He sleeps almost all the time. He's dizzy all the time. He can barely walk. There's not a lot he enjoys doing.
It's so hard. I want him healthy. But that is not a possibility now. And I know that he's a Christian; he will be in heaven and be pain free. So, the fact that he will be happier when he's gone is huge, but I don't want him to be gone. I want him here, like the grandpa he was. And because that's not possible, I just want him in peace.

Man, let me tell you about my grandpa. He was a farmer. He grew up on a farm that his mother's parents homesteaded. When he was in his 20's, he joined the army and was in WWII. When the war was over, he married my grandma. They settled down on their own farm and raised dairy cattle. My mom was born just before their first anniversary. Over the years, they welcomed four more daughters. They worked hard, made a good life for themselves and most importantly, raised five strong, independent, Christian daughters. Their legacy is amazing. There are 15 grandchildren (10 girls and 5 boys) and 18 great grandchildren (7 girls and 10 boys). I am the oldest grandchild (ahem, 38) and my youngest cousin is 12 (I think). And honestly, I think that every single one of us is a Christian. Faith is extremely important in our family. One of my aunts homeschools my four cousins. She's the first person I ever knew who homeschooled. Her oldest is a senior this year and I am so proud of the job she has done. Each of those four cousins is someone I would love to have raised. They are the best kids. I look to my aunt (and uncle) to see the way I want to raise my family.
With the exception of my mom and my brother and I, the rest of the family lives within minutes of each other. I miss the fact that I did not grow up with them, but I am still proud of the fact that I belong to such a wonderful family. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

My mom and my brother are driving right this minute to go visit them. I wish that I could be with them. I just can't right now. It takes almost 2 days to get there, 2 days back, and at least 3 to stay, so Hub can't take the time off to go with me, or keep the boys here. And of course, two of the boys woke up in the night last night with fevers so it's best we're home for now anyway. Then there's the fact that my father in law is coming for a visit today. It's only the second time we've seen him since my mother in law passed away last year. I'm sure there will be many emotions involved with this visit.

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck right now. God is pulling me through. It just happens that today is day 90 in my Read the Bible in 90 Days task. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to do this. I am so close to being done. I have to read Revelation, which is no easy task, and there is the possibility that given two sick kids and last minute clean-up for FIL visit, and baseball practice tonight, that I won't be able to read all 22 chapters, but I am going to do my best. And at the very least, I will finish tomorrow, in 91 days. No matter, this will be the first time I have ever read the Bible through. And I am very proud of myself. And I can't wait to do it again. This has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. I am so much closer to God than I was when I started. I have this burning desire to read His Word every day now. I do not want to lose this feeling. Good thing I have such good friends and family that want to see me keep focused on Him and who will push me to stay in His Word.

So, umm, yeah, that's all I got for now. I do want to blog about what's going on with me weight-, eating-, exercise-, etc- wise, but not right now. I will get to it in a day or two. But things are going well, much better than I imagined they would be.
So, until later, here's a verse I'm holding onto right now:
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

Beauty

2010-03-27T00:04:00.000-04:00

Beauty. I've been thinking about that word a lot this week. Sami, over at Sailor & Company brought it to my mind. She's having a contest to find a picture that best shows what is beautiful. I thought about entering, but I couldn't do it. Mainly because God told me right away what to take a picture of, and I thought that He must be out of His mind. He said I should take a picture of myself. Ha!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yep. I've heard that a lot. But is it true?
I guess it depends on what you view as beauty. Merriam-Webster defines it as: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness.
So, I guess that means that anything can be beautiful. If someone derives pleasure from it, it's beautiful. Huh. I guess I solved my problems without having to type as much as I thought I would.
I came here tonight to blog about whether or not I was beautiful. But after getting the definition, I guess I am. Hub derives pleasure from me; the kiddos would say that I (sometimes) bring them pleasure; I actually have friends who would probably agree.
So, that settles it; I'm beautiful. Again I say Ha!

Ah, sounds so simple, no? Just snap my fingers and believe that I am beautiful.
And, not so much. I can't do it. I cannot look at myself, live in my head, and believe that I am beautiful. I can't. Especially these days, now that I have taken off my blinders and can admit that I am fat. How can a fat person be beautiful? It just doesn't seem possible to me.
But, we just looked at the definition of beauty. So, something I don't think is beautiful might be to someone else. And then, that would make it beautiful, right?

We just got some fun creepy crawlies in the mail for school.

Here we have praying mantis egg cases:

What the praying mantises will eat when they hatch:

Some caterpillars:

Some ladybugs:

So, what do you think? Did you see anything beautiful? I did. I saw several of God's creatures. And each of them is beautiful in its own way. Any one of those pictures could have been used over at Sami's but still not what I was thinking about.

I know God was speaking to me in that still, small voice. I know that I am supposed to believe that I am beautiful. But it's so hard. I argued with myself all week. I am not beautiful. There is nothing about me that is beautiful. But God told me to take a picture of myself and show that as beauty. Again, is He crazy? I mean, really? Me? I'm fat. I think He got the memo. He watched me eat myself into this position. He listened as I cried and whined and yet still ate food that wasn't good for me. And sat on my bottom instead of getting out and moving my body. He knew that each step I took toward a less healthy me meant that I was taking one step further away from the path He wanted me on.

I have done some really bad things to my body. So how can He say that it's beautiful?

1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Humph. Well. I guess that puts a different spin on things. God is looking at my heart. He thinks I'm beautiful.

Who am I to disagree with the creator of the universe? If the Living God says that I'm beautiful, well, then, I'm beautiful.

So, I'm going to post the picture I took. It's not a good quality picture. I took it in the bathroom because I didn't want anyone in the house to know what I was doing. And I can pick out every single imperfection. But I am trying to look past those and look to the heart.

I haven't succeeded yet, but I won't stop looking. And I won't stop thanking God. Without Him, I am nothing. With Him, I am Beauty.

Miracle

2010-03-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

So, something funny happened on Friday. I went to the store, the same store I went to that started my whole "fat" journey. And I found some pants that fit! Oh, and get this, the same size pants as the ones I tried on before. Same size I'm still wearing in my old pants. Hmmmm, methinks something strange is going on.
Okay, I'm not sure how exactly God works. Like how He answers prayers and how He makes things happen. Does He just do it or does He set things in motion. I don't know. I do know that one day I spent a couple hour trying on clothes and nothing fit the entire time and now, just 6 days later, clothes are now fitting. Don't know for a minute if this was God's doing. I know he can perform miracles, even small, silly miracles like this.

But no matter what happened, why things didn't fit and now do, I have started a journey. I am making life-altering changes in my life. I will not gain anymore weight. I will lose weight. I will start making healthy choices for my body. I will get myself to a healthy weight and treat my body the way that God intended for me to treat it. It doesn't matter if He performed a tiny miracle just for me or not. He did perform a big, huge miracle for me. He saved me. That's miraculous enough for me.

I'm doing a Bible study right now with some friends. We have a book, "Living By The Book: Workbook" by Howard C. Hendricks and William D. Hendricks. It teaches you how to study the Bible yourself. I am enjoying it immensely. It gives pointers on how to read scripture and dig into it and truly internalize it and understand what God is saying. I just finished one section that I kept thinking about while I was typing this post. (yes, Michelle, I am still a bit behind *snicker*) It's talking about reading the Bible as a love letter. And to think about yourself in it. Put yourself in it.
Take John 3:16-17 for example; it reads: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him."

Now, substitute your name for "the world."
"For God so loved Mae, that He gave His only begotten Son, that if she believes in Him, she will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son to Mae to judge her, but that Mae might be saved through Him."

Wow!! How cool is that? God loved me so much, way back when He first created everything, way back before I was here, He sent Jesus for me. That right there is what I call a miracle. There's no other word for it. And the fact of the matter is, God also sent Jesus for every single person on this earth. Even people who I don't like; even people who don't like me; even people who talk trash about Him, about His people, about His Son. God sent Jesus for everyone. Don't take my word for it; read the Bible and see. Insert your name into the Bible and read it as if God is speaking directly to you.

Life changing.

Miracle.

God has a sense of humor!

2010-03-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

See what I got in the mail today??

Now, who wants to convince me that God does not have a sense of humor? I laughed extremely hard when I got these wonderful cupcakes in the mail. My sweet, wonderful, lovely secret sister sent them to me. What's even funnier to me is imagining her face when she read my blog post on Monday and realized that she'd just sent me cupcakes! The thought of it tickles me!

Now, guess what happened to the cupcakes?

My mother ate one of them. And I ate the other. Yep, I did. And I don't feel a bit guilty.

See? This positive thinking thing is going to work out. I have not failed. My "diet" is not ruined. Things are not doomed. I ate a cupcake. So what? Guess what I did right today? I drank 80 oz of water, one less cup of coffee than yesterday, and a glass of milk. So, my liquid intake is getting better. And I ate better throughout the day, too. So, I am headed in the right direction. And I refuse to let a cupcake derail me.

So, bring it on! Errr, but please, don't send anymore of those delicious cupcakes!!!

Wow! update

2010-03-17T10:29:00.001-04:00

I am completely overwhelmed by you guys! I cannot even express to you what it means to me that you are willing to help me along this journey. I am humbled by your thoughts, prayers, kind words, emails, comments here, comments on FB, etc. So much love coming my way and I can feel it all.
My APTCH girlies, well, you guys know that you all rock, and that my heart is forever yours. And I can't wait until our next get-together, whenever it may be, because then you guys will all get to see the new and improved me. Yep, I'm thinking positively now!

So, here's what I'm gonna talk about right now, my goals for right this minute.
Part of me wants to just stop eating. Seems so logical, right? Lose weight by not eating.
Ummmm, yeah, not gonna work. Then my next thought was to seriously cut down on my eating. Again, not the best plan right this very minute. Sounds good in theory, but I've been down this road before. I drastically change my eating habits for about two weeks. Then I slip and then it's easier to slip again, then I just give up. You know the cycle. I've been here before, many, many, many times before. But not this mindset. And I don't want to let go this time. My mind is different. Anyway, I am going to talk about that later. And much more that I need to talk about.

But right now, my goals and plans.
This week, water, water, water. I usually drink coffee, tea, juice, milk, and soda. Most of the time, I average about one soda a day. I might drink two a day, then nothing, then three one day. I'm not really "addicted" to soda in that I need it everyday. But I still need to cut it out. I am however, addicted to coffee.
But, what I am concentrating on this week is adding water. Monday and Tuesday, I got 60 oz each day. Today, I want to up it to 70, hopefully to be at 100 by the end of the week. As I increase the water, I'm decreasing the other drinks. I hope to be at no soda by next week, only a glass of tea for dinner, no juice, and just a little milk. But I am not stopping coffee yet. Too much, too soon on that.
I am also trying to go to bed earlier this week. I'm aiming for 11 each night for at least two weeks. Then I'll go back to 10:30. I need more sleep. I know that will help.
I'm also cutting back sweets. Not cutting them off, not going too drastic. But weaning somewhat. I did cut chocolate completely. Well, not completely cut off. I like chocolate, plain chocolate. Candy bars, chocolate chips, that kind of chocolate. Well, I like any kind, but that's what I'm into right now. And I can't stop with just a tiny bit, so I'm cutting it completely. (okay, rambling again, sigh) But I am not going to cut other "sweets" immediately. For instance, we had cake for dessert last night. I had a smaller piece than normal, but I still had some.
I know me, and if I think I am being deprived right off the bat, I'm going to quit.
So, slow and steady, slow and steady. I'm making small steps, but I'm going to keep making them this time.

I will do this! I know that with the help of friends, and most importantaly God's help, I can do this.

So, today I'm thinking positively!! Yay!! Small steps!

**Yay!! I drank 70 oz of water today. I drank coffee, and a half glass of tea. Progress!!**

I can't do it

2010-03-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I can do this. It will be so much easier to just let it take me over. I don't know if I have the strength.
I took pictures of myself yesterday. I can barely look at them. When did it happen? When did I get so fat? This is going to be insurmountable.
I mean, do you realize that I need to lose almost 200 pounds? Most people don't even weigh 200 pounds.
I can't do this. I can barely breathe.
But I have to.

I have no other choice. In particular I have three sweet faces and three sweet reasons to keep going, to take a step in the right direction. I have to. But I don't know how.

Yesterday, and today, I drank more water than I have in awhile. That's my first step. Can I keep going forward?? And after I get used to drinking better, what next? How on earth am I going to be able to lose so much? Is it even possible??

Laying it all out there

2010-03-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

I am fat. I am obese. I weigh, well, I don't actually know how much I weigh, but I know it's a lot. Until recently (the last six months to a year), I knew how much I weighed, but I gained more and now my weight doesn't register on my scale.
My scale only goes up to 330 pounds. What's that? Ahem. I said 330 pounds.
Alright, you heard it; I weigh more than 330 pounds. (Do you have any idea how hard that was for me to admit??? My palms are sweaty and my heart is pounding. I feel like I have just stripped myself naked and am running around town.) And that fact disgusts me. It makes me feel like crap. I despise the fact that I am so fat. I hate that I let myself get to this point. And I really want to lay down and just cry and cry until there is nothing left anymore. Sometimes I want to just really let go completely and get really fat, get to be that 500 pound person that can't leave the house. I want to just give up and close in on myself and never have to face people, never have to face myself, never have to face my fears, never have to do anything.

But...
But I have a still, small voice that won't let me do that. That voice inside my head, inside my heart, tells me that I am worth more than that. That I am special, and beautiful, and I deserve much more than that. I just have to let go, to let that still, small voice have free reign and give up something. I have to give up control.

I have controlled what I think others think of me to such a degree that I am helpless now. I have allowed Satan to convince me that people really do see me as that fat, unlovable, unworthy, disgusting person. In some ways, I have become that person.
And it's not true. But I am letting this sin take over my life and control every aspect of it to one degree or another. And yes, I will say it, I will shout it, being fat, being obese is a SIN!!!
It is. And I have allowed it to have control. The root of it may be somewhere else, but the end result is the same. And it's wrong. I know it is. And I hate it! I want it to change.

The root of it all is tied up in my feelings of self-worth. I wish it weren't, but it is. I have never felt good enough. I know that it goes back to my parents getting divorced when I was very young. I don't even remember them being together. But it isn't their fault. That's just something that happened. I allowed Satan to tell me that if I was good enough, if I had been a better daughter, that my parents would have stayed married.
Instead, I allowed him the freedom to convince me that I was not worth much.
I was terrified of doing anything, any little thing at all that might call attention to me. I tried to blend in to the background. I remember my step-mother forcing me, literally forcing me to go up to the cashier at a fast food restaurant to ask for ketchup. I was too terrified, at 6 years old, to talk to people and ask for something that they would be glad to give me.
I was horrified if I got into trouble at school. I wanted to be the good girl, the nice girl, the one that no one worried about. The one that no one noticed much.
Then puberty hit and I got curves. And suddenly boys noticed me. And my brothers started calling me fat. And I started hiding behind my clothes. They were baggy. And loose. And then a pound of two here and there weren't noticeable. By the time I graduated from high school, I wasn't exactly fat, but I wasn't skinny. And I still mostly managed to stay unnoticed. People knew me, but no one could remember exactly how they knew me.
Around this point, my parents would mention here and there that maybe I needed to go on a diet. My step-dad once said that if I ever lost enough weight to look good in a bikini, he'd take me on a cruise.

Then the weight started creeping on me faster. And when I was 22, still single, still never having had a real boyfriend, getting a bit more than chubby, still painfully shy and awkward, I moved across the state with a friend. She worked nights and I worked days. And I sat in our apartment watching TV and eating. And eating. And eating. Before I knew it, I was 250 pounds.
I was miserable. I went to a doctor for migraines. He said I was depressed. I said it wasn't possible. And then he said it was all because I was fat. If I'd lose weight, it would all be better.
I listened. I let him put me on a diet that consisted of 500 calories a day. Guess what? I lost weight!! I knocked my metabolism completely off track, but that's a whole 'nother story.
I met Hub. We started dating. And going out to eat. And the weight crept back in. Eventually, Hub and I got married. I weighed 260 pounds. We were married a few years and I weighed 285 pounds. We started trying to have a baby. I made the mistake of telling my mother-in-law that I needed to lose weight to get my periods back on track. Not long after, my father-in-law sat me and Hub down and told us that I had to go on a diet. He said enough was enough, I had been fat long enough, now I needed to lose weight.
I wanted to knock my father-in-law out.

But all I could do was cry. And cry. And cry.

And then I got pregnant. I ate healthier during those 9 months than I had in years. And when I left the hospital after Dino was born, I weighed 17 pounds less than I had the day of my first doctor's appointment.
But by the time I got pregnant with Frog a year later, I weighed the exact same thing as I had when I first got pregnant with Dino. This time, I gained a bit more weight, and didn't lose as much. But then, I just started gaining more and more. I had a miscarriage when Frog was 17 months old, and I gained about 15 pounds in a short time. That's when I firmly stayed over 300 pounds.
When I got pregnant with Monkey, I didn't even look when I got weighed at the doctor's office. I knew how much I gained and lost. By the time I was 33 weeks pregnant, I was at even, but then I gained 20 pounds in two weeks. That was from pregnancy issues. And then Monkey was born, and I never seemed to lose too much after that. I hovered around 325 since he was born. A few pounds here and there but nothing ever stuck. And in the last year, I don't really know what happened. I can't be that much over 330 because my clothes still fit.

I think mentally I just gave up. What does it really matter?
But I hurt. Physically my knees ache, my ankles ache, all my joints ache. I have a hard time getting up and down off the floor, where the boys love to play. I have breathing problems at night. That just started when Monkey was born. I know I would qualify for a CPAP if I tried. I can't run. I get out of breath walking up stairs. I'm miserable.

But mentally, it's probably worse. I feel like dirt, like crap, like the most unworthy, unlovable, worthless human being ever.
And I know, in my head, that it's not true. I know that God loves me. He wants for me to be healthy. He wants for me to not have to feel the mental and physical pain of all this weight. And yes, He wants for me not to be in the sin of overeating. He wants me to treat the body He gave me right.

I prayed once for Him to just take away my desire for food. To just make it so that the only food that tasted good to me was healthy food. That still, small voice told me that I had to do what God wanted and then He would answer my prayer. I had to read my Bible every day and keep praying and get closer to Him.
And I never did it. Never.
Such a simple thing and I couldn't do it.

So, since January 1, I have read my Bible every single day. I have (over the years) gotten closer to Him. I am closer to Him than I have ever been in my life, but I still can't seem to give Him control of this.
I can't let go.

Yesterday, I had to go shopping. I have run out of pants. One pair had the zipper bust, so I was left with one pair of grungy jeans, and one pair of nice jeans and one pair of dress pants. I have some pajama pants, but nothing else. And it's summer, and I have only one pair of lightweight summer pants, too.
So, off to the store I went. And the first place, I tried on 6 pair of pants that are the same size as the ones I am presently wearing but not one fit. Not even remotely fit. Didn't fit as in, couldn't even get them up to my butt. Then, store number two, where I bought the nice pair of jeans I have only 6 months ago. The jeans still fit very well. And there were some of the exact same jeans, same style, same brand, same size. And they did not fit!!! I even tried on some a couple sizes bigger, a couple sizes bigger and they still did not fit. Nothing fit. Not a single pair of pants that should have fit. Sizes that I should be able to wear.

And I lost it. I almost broke down in the store crying. But I didn't. And then I knew. It may sound stupid, and I may be way off base. But I believe that God had a hand in it. I believe that pants that were the exact same brand, style and size, pants that should have fit didn't fit because God had had enough of me. He was taking me out to the woodshed and whacking me upside the head.
Enough is enough!
This is to be the turning point. No more. He is not going to allow me to do this anymore. I have to give Him the control of this part of my life, too. I cannot continue in this sin. I cannot keep doing this to my body. I cannot allow myself to keep feeling this way.
I am broken. I feel as if I can't move. This is the end of the line. Things either change or that's it.
And I want it to change.

This post is part of it. I think I finally know what I need to do as part of this blog. I have a friend who has given me the courage to share, because she wondrously opened herself up and has allowed me to see into her heart and her journey and struggle with an eating disorder. If she has the courage, so do I.
I must relinquish control over this to God. I must allow Him to have this part of my life as well.

I am broken. And only God can put the pieces back together.
Will you help? Will you help me get through this and help me give the control to Him? Pray for me. Encourage me in any way that He leads you to. Just listen to me ramble on and on like I am wont to do. Please. I can't do it alone. I mean, I could, with only God's help, but I would rather you came along and helped me, too.
Help me mend my broken heart and body.

A lot...

2010-03-09T23:41:00.000-05:00

I'm in a writing mood tonight but I have no idea what I want to say. And this is why I will never be one of the "professional" bloggers. This post ~~has~~ will have no meaning, no flow; there will be no purpose, there will be no topic.
See? I've already written 52 words and said nothing. Fun times!

So, now I've wound it up back here and finally have to actually say something. Ha!
What I now want to talk about is how much is too much? How much are you willing to disclose on your blog? Would you talk about things that you don't tell your closest friends? Would you let it all hang out?
And then, if you did, would you be upset if people then used it against you?

Just mulling some thoughts around. I've been reading MckMama's blog for almost 2 years now. At first, I was just a reader and I really enjoyed it. Then I became a member of her BlogFrog and I don't enjoy it like I used to.
Now, please don't get me wrong. I am going to explain exactly what I mean here. Because of the BF, I found that there are many people who don't like MckMama. Lots, and lots of people who don't like her. And that's okay; there's probably lots and lots of people who don't like me.
But some of these people decided to make blogs of their own to get together and discuss how much they didn't like MckMama. And they dislike her, a lot.
And I have to admit, I read, I read a lot. And there were some things that made me scratch my head. I did learn about some personal things about MckMama that I am sure she didn't want me (and so many others) learning about.
And I felt strange. I wanted to go back in time, to unlearn those things. It started to make me look at her differently. But then I went back to her blog and re-read some posts. And found that if I let go of what the others said about her, and just concentrated on what she said about herself, it was better.
I could enjoy the blog more if I wasn't trying to dissect every single little thing she said. And if you dissect it all, I'm sure there will be inconsistencies. Heck, there are probably some here, on my blog, my blog of less than 100 posts. Because, wait for it, get this, I'm human. I am flawed; I make mistakes. Try as I might, I am not perfect.

And neither is MckMama. And while I have, unfortunately, gone back to some of "those" sites and read some of "that" stuff, I still like her. And I still think she is just one woman, one flawed woman, one flawed Christian mama, trying to make her way in this world the best way she knows how. And for her, for this moment in time, she is doing so in a big way and actually making money, a lot of money, doing so. Why should I begrudge her that? Why should I try to pick out tiny things here and there that bug me about her? There are things about my best friends that bug me from time to time. Why should I expect that some woman on the internet is expected to be perfect?

Here's the thing, I don't. I'm not looking for perfection in the blogs I read. I'm not looking for gloss and shimmer. I'm looking for things that will lift me up, strengthen me, and sometimes entertain me. I find that at MckMama. And if some don't, hey, that's fine. Eh, to each their own. I do wish that others would use that mentality more often and exercise a bit more of the Golden Rule.

I would never treat someone the way I have seen some of the women who dislike MckMama treat her. It's really horrible. And I get that some of them are trying to show that she isn't who they think she is claiming to be. But really, I gotta tell you, I don't think there is ever, and I mean ever, a reason to hound someone like some people have hounded MckMama. I understand the whole "celebrity" thing, and I do think that if you are putting yourself out there in such a public way you should expect some naysayers. But c'mon, some of it is downright mean. And I do not support mean for meanness sake.

For the record, I have been known to click on her site multiple times a day when I read some of the horrible things I read about her. Makes me feel better. Heh.

And if it is found that she has been untruthful, if she has been stringing people along and making all kinds of things up; if she does end up being outed as a fraud, well, lesson learned. I'll have to stop reading blogs for entertainment I guess. Because, you know, everything you read is real, every single time. Did you hear the one about global warming?

Seriously, if something comes up and it turns out that she isn't who she says she is, well, I guess my life will move on just like it always has. There is nothing she has or will do that will in any way affect me personally. Ever. I am much more secure in who I am than to let something I read on the internet change my life to such a degree that to find out it wasn't true would be damaging.

Oh man! I love to write. Even have a rambling, babbling post like this. Sometimes just typing things out feels so refreshing, so liberating. I just like to write sometimes. Even when what I write isn't all that earth shattering.
Ah, I feel better. Now, off to sleep!

Voddie again!

2010-03-05T23:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm just going to come out an say it, I'm hooked. Voddie Baucham is da man! I seriously want to buy and read/watch/listen to anything he has done. Obviously, my last post mentioned him, and now, I gotta tell you something else about him.
I watched a video of a talk he gave titled "Why I Choose to Believe the Bible". Oh my gosh!! I wish I could memorize it! I freeze up so often when talking to people face to face and even online. But the points he laid out in this were so right on and I wish I could recall them at will. I did take really good notes and I have a lot of the info down so I can study it and use it to help me.
The main point of the talk was that we as Christians too often can't answer that question and we ultimately do more harm than good. So Mr. Baucham outlined the right way to answer. He sums it up like this: "The Bible is a reliable collection of historical documents written by eyewitnesses during the lifetime of other eyewitnesses. They report supernatural events that took place in fulfillment of specific prophecies and they claim that their writings are Divine, rather than human, in origin." This is based on 2 Peter 1:16-21
Again, I could quote the whole thing but I won't. It is worth a read/listen whatever. You can download it to an mp3 player here. You can listen to it here. And that's just a couple I googled just now.

One more quick thing. I found a site that you can test your worldview. I found it to be very interesting. I have been wanting to know where I would stand in my worldview. I think had I taken the test just a few years ago, I wouldn't have been pleased with the results. But now, I'm closer to where I want to be; I'm closer to God.

The Children of Caesar

2010-02-26T00:12:00.001-05:00

I am a homeschooling mom. I have very strong opinions about homeschooling. And I am going to share some of those opinions. So fasten your seat belts and get ready!

I watched a video last week. It knocked my socks off!! It's by Voddie Baucham and it's titled "The Children of Caesar: The State of American Education". My absolute favorite line from it was "If we continue to send our children to Caesar for their education, we need to stop being surprised when they come home as Romans." That is it! That's the reason I had a secular worldview for so many years. I had a light go off in my head watching this video.
One of the statistics used was that 90% of Christians don't have a biblical worldview. I finally realized why I am starting to feel so outside the norm these days; I am now in the 10% category. And that's only talking about Christians; it's not including non-Christians. Wow! And Mr. (Pastor? Rev.? I'm not sure which) Baucham said that we are losing 70-88% of kids from evangelical families by the end of their freshman year in college. But 90-95% of homeschool kids kept the faith of their family. Does that paint a clear picture or what??

There is so much more about this video I was amazed by, but I don't want to just sit here and quote the whole thing. If you are even slightly considering homeschooling or you are a Christian parent unhappy with public school but don't think homeschooling is right for you, watch the video. It is worth it.

The HSDLA has many statistics about homeschooling. Homeschoolers outperform public schoolers on all standardized tests. There was little difference between boys and girls; household income level had little impact; the education level of the parents showed a difference, but still test scores were much higher than for public schoolers; whether the parents were certified teachers made no difference; and the extent of government regulation (by state) had no impact on test scores. Homeschoolers made an average of at least 30 percentage points higher than public schoolers across the board. As for socialization, the main concern many voice about homeschooling, it is not the issue detractors want to make it out to be. In a recent study, the socialization myth has been shown to in fact be just a myth.
From the article:
"When measured against the average Canadians ages 15 to 34 years old, home-educated Canadian adults ages 15 to 34 were more socially engaged (69 percent participated in organized activities at least once per week, compared with 48 percent of the comparable population). Average income for homeschoolers also was higher, but perhaps more significantly, while 11 percent of Canadians ages 15 to 34 rely on welfare, there were no cases of government support as the primary source of income for homeschoolers. Homeschoolers also were happier; 67.3 percent described themselves as very happy, compared with 43.8 percent of the comparable population. Almost all of the homeschoolers—96 percent—thought homeschooling had prepared them well for life."

I just don't see why so many people are against homeschooling. At the very least, why are so many people concerned about me homeschooling my kids? I have had many people question my choice. (By the way, when I say my, and me, and I throughout this blog post, know that Hub and I made these decisions together. Together we listened to what God had to say about this and chose to make the decision we feel He is most pleased with.) I have had many people question whether I was doing the right thing by my children. I have even (online, not in a face to face setting) had people say that I am abusing my child by homeschooling. Well, any intelligent person can look at the statistics and see that homeschooling does not harm children. And all someone has to do is come to one of our homeschool group meetings to see that my children are far from unsocialized.

I am responsible for raising my children, not the government. One day, I will have to stand in front of my heavenly Father and account to Him for all that He gave me in my life. He gave me three beautiful children, but He expects me to raise them His way. I sure don't want to fail. I want to be able to hold my head up high and say that I accomplished the task. And I personally feel that in this day and age, I would not be successful if I sent my children to public, government controlled school.

Well...

2010-02-22T00:17:00.000-05:00

Been awhile, huh?
Again I seem to not be able to keep up with this blog. It is truly my desire to make something of it, but I can't seem to get it together. Truth be told, I dream, and I do mean dream, like deep, deep down dreaming, that someday this could be a great blog. But I am also practical enough to know that at this point in time I don't have it in me.
So, this little corner of the blog-o-sphere will just have to stay as it is for the moment.

Tonight, I am in the mood to discuss the weather. We have had a particularly different winter this year. Hub and I moved to this area almost 10 years ago. I grew up about 30 minutes from where we live now, but it is over a rather large mountain chain, so living here can be quite different than living 30 minutes from here.
In any case, the weather since we have lived here has been mostly mild in the winter. The first two winters we had were not very memorable. There might have been a trace of snow. Then the year Dino was born, there were one or two snows that actually produced something you could play in, and make snowmen. From that point on until this year, I can count on one hand the inches of snow for those 6 winters. So, that is all to say that we don't usually get the white stuff around here these days.

Which means that this winter, with the almost 30 inches of snow so far, you could say things have been extremely different. It's been an adjustment. I am, quite frankly, sick of the snow. We still have some on the ground from the last big one, almost a month ago. Not only have we had snow, but we have had cooler temperatures as well.
Which, between me and you, makes me what to shout "Global warming, schlobal schmarming." But I won't. Because that would be dumb.
And I am not dumb. Mostly. Sometimes. Oh alright, I can occasionally be dumb. But wanting to stick out my tongue and say nanner, nanner, boo, boo to those who say we are in the midst of global warming isn't too smart.
First of all, let's use the term they prefer now, climate change. I understand that many believe that even though we are having a much cooler winter than has been experienced for the last several years, we are still in a global warming trend. And that the weather is actually strange and crazy which lends itself to the weirdness that is climate change.

But I gotta tell ya, I don't buy it. I just don't think that this is really what is the truth. I think the truth is that we are living in one of the cycles that the earth normally goes through. Just another cycle that God designed. Once, the earth was very cold, then it warmed up, then it cooled down again. Now we're in the warming phase again. And for that matter, depending on the study you read, it looks as if we are already back in the cooling cycle again.
And let's get real, if you want to find a study that backs up your claims, no matter which side of the fence you sit on for this issue, all you have to do is take some time and Google will find something to suit your preference.
And truly, around here we are getting a lot more snow and cooler temps than we have in the past, but it's not really all that alarming. Because, there have been times where it has done this before. It's been 20 or 30 years, but back then, getting snow off and on all winter was normal. The lack of snow over these past 20ish years was considered unusual at first. Then we got used to little snow so it just seems like an unusual winter this year. But in the bigger picture, it's not.
So, I have chosen to not get all up at arms about the whole situation. It does make me giggle when I see so many scramble now that things seem to be cooling. And when someone like me, you know, "the dummies", make an "I thought we were in global warming" whilst standing on a pile of unusual snow quip, I love to watch the climate change people froth at the mouth. It's kinda fun. And I have done it once or twice just to watch them spin. Oh joy!!

But, to me, it doesn't really matter anyway. The earth might be warming, it might be cooling, it might be just planning on rolling over and playing dead. I really don't care. God is in control. I trust Him. I trust that if the earth really is warming up to such a degree that life here is becoming dangerous, well, all that really means to me is that it won't be long until I get to see Jesus. Because He will be making an appearance on this earth again before it's all said and done. And if the earth is on its last legs, well, then, Jesus will be here soon.
And that thought makes me happy. I can't wait to stand face to face with Him.
It does mean that I need to get myself in gear. Because, believe it or not, I would love for all these liberal, global warming, excuse me, climate change, there is no God, but we should take care of mother earth people to come to a saving knowledge in Jesus Christ. I have some dear friends and family members who don't know Him and I would rather they did. So, if the earth is in danger, I need to do what I can to make sure not one person I know and love is left without knowing Jesus. I can't save anyone, but I can make sure that they have been told.
My work is cut out for me. And even if I babble til the cow come home, and only one person reads this blog and it makes a difference, well then, it's worth it.

So babble along I will.

That's enough

2010-01-24T01:09:00.000-05:00

That's it! I've had it! I am so tired of just settling because it's what everyone else is doing; because it's just the way that it is; because they're going to do it anyway; because it's not really a big deal; because it isn't really hurting anyone.

Well, crap! (And yes, I know that I said crap. I'm mad!) It is hurting someone; it's hurting God. And it's hurting me and my family. And millions of other people in this world.

I just watched a movie on Lifetime, "The Pregnancy Pact." I knew from the previews what it would be about but I still wanted to see it. And I am so steaming mad right now. I am so tired of people cramming it down my throat that having sex isn't really that bad. Just give kids protection and it's fine to let 'em have at it. (And while we're at it, let 'em drink until they puke, too. -But that's a topic for another day.) Cause they're not hurting anyone, everyone does it, what's the big deal?

When did we lose our self-respect? When did it become okay to trample on God's word and call it harmless fun? Everywhere you look now it's considered just one of those things that everyone does. Sex sells. It's everywhere, in your face, on billboards, commercials, magazines, children's shows!! You can't go into a store and buy girls clothes without being bombarded by sex. Being sexy is the "in" thing to be.

This movie had an ulterior motive as well. Let's get rid of abstinence only programs and offer contraception to all the kids. Cause, you know, they're already doing it so let's make sure they're protected. Well, crap. (There, I said it again.) That is such faulty logic. (And something I used to spout myself) Just because someone is doing something wrong does not mean we should say well, okay, here- do it some more. And if any of my kids comes to me and says they are having sex, do I want them to be safe? Well, yes. But I believe the only way to be truly safe is to not have sex until you are married. Why is it such a bad thing to teach children? And why not say that if you've already had sex, it isn't too late to protect yourself now. Just start over. Try abstinence again. Bristol Palin is doing that. And she's getting skewered for it. And I just don't get it.

I don't see how anyone can say that people having sex with whomever they want, whenever they want, as often as they want is not a bad thing. The truth is, I can't say too much about it from experience. I had sex for the first time at 20, with a guy I was madly in love with and he was living with his girlfriend and their daughter at the time. (They were also living with his mother and brothers and sister. And I was living there, too. Crazy times.) I wanted to have sex with him; it's all I thought about for months. And afterwards, (A month or two afterwards) all I could think is "Why?" Why on earth did I lose my virginity to him? And then it was easy to keep to myself until Hub came along. Now, again, I didn't do the right thing. Hub and I had sex before we got married; we even lived together. But the fact that I am the only person he has ever had sex with is something I treasure. I wish I could have given him such a wonderful gift.

And there are other things I did in my past relating to sex that I am not proud of. Things that have hindered my relationship with the Lord, and with my wonderful Hub. I spend time even now being ashamed of my body and things I've done with it and it affects my sex life now. And yet, I hurt no one by having sex before marriage????? That's what the world is trying to tell me. And it's a load of crap.

God is the only pure, perfect, Holy being there ever was. And He says that it's wrong to have sex outside of marriage. And even if we don't understand why He says that, it's true. He does not lie. And it's something we should obey. I don't think that obedience is saying it's okay if people have sex, since they're already doing it, since they're going to anyway, since it isn't hurting anyone. Allowing it to go on is wrong. We should be taking a stand and teaching our children that God created sex. He created it to be a pure, perfect, wonderful thing to be shared between a husband and a wife. And if it is done the right way, in the right time, it is such a beautiful thing. And I'm tired of letting it become perverted. And regardless of what the world thinks, my children will be taught that sex should be reserved for marriage, the way our Lord and Saviour intended it to be.

A Little of This...

2010-01-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

You know, I don't really know what I want to say right now. I had plans to come sit down at the computer tonight and that somehow the words were just going to flow. But I did a little of this and a little of that and I never made it here. And now, eh, I'm really not in the mood.

But I feel like there's something I need to say. I'm scratching my head and still coming up empty. Maybe just posting tonight will get me back in the swing of blogging and then I'll figure out what I really want to say. Who knows.

I will talk about what's been going on around here. I've been doing a ton of reading. I'm reading a couple of books for group discussions; we started back to school after an almost 4 week break; and I started a new bible reading program: Read the Bible in 90 Days. So, umm, yeah, a lot going on just with me. I don't know what I am thinking committing to so much at one time. I'm a bit crazy, but I am actually enjoying every minute of it.

The two books I'm reading are Crazy Love by Francis Chan and Living With Confidence in a Chaotic World by David Jeremiah.
Crazy Love is wonderful!! It's actually an easy read but it makes you (me anyway) look closer at your life, see if you are loving God with the kind of crazy love you should be. (For the record, I'm not. But I think that if I said I was, I would be satisfied and I don't think I should ever be satisfied with how close I am to God. I should always desire to be closer to Him.)
One part that is touching me right now is when it's talking about how we just add God on to the end of the day. We pray for a few minutes right before we go to bed, or we give a few dollars on Sunday after spending hundreds during the week. We serve Him leftovers. But this line touched me so much: "But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God."
I think we forget about that way too often. We put so many other things first. Often, we're doing good things. It's not bad to teach our children about God; it's not bad to be at church every time the door is open; it's not bad to say yes every time someone asks for help. It's easy to think that we are doing exactly what God wants us to be doing. It's also easy to see that neglecting our families, stealing, lying, lusting, and all those "big" sins are wrong. It's a lot harder to see that little things that we do that make us put God in second place, even when those things are good, well, that's called sin. No pretty way to say it. It's sin, and God hates sin.

So, ummm, yeah, I should be doing everything I can to put God first, and all the "stuff", even when the stuff is important stuff, it needs to be second. God should always be first. He's the reason I live, it's the least I can do to put Him first.

Now, for those two readers that I have that aren't Michelle ;-) head on over to her blog and read the wonderful post she just made. It literally brought me to tears. God has given her a gift. And she is using it to His glory. I admire you Michelle, and I am trying to find out what gifts God has given me so that I may use them like you have. You've got some crazy love going on and it's beautiful to see!!

Hi

2010-01-07T16:18:00.000-05:00

Hi!
I've not dropped off the face of the earth. Just not been in a blogging mood. But tonight, ah, tonight I have great plans.
Let's see if they materialize...

Happy Birthday Jesus!

2009-12-25T21:42:00.003-05:00

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria. So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city.

Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child.

So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

“ Glory to God in the highest,

And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

So it was, when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another, “Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they came with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger.

Now when they had seen Him, they made widely known the saying which was told them concerning this Child. And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told them.

Luke 2: 1-20

Oh the weather outside

2009-12-18T22:31:00.001-05:00

Is delightful!! For the first time in years, we have a measureable snowfall in our yard!! I'm as excited as the kids! We have had a wonderful snow day. Now, I am just praying that no trees go down and cause damage. One fell already this afternoon, but it was one that was leaning anyway and just fell in the "woods" in our yard. (we have no actual woods, just a place with more trees, but we call it the woods)
Our power has blinked several times this evening. I'm less concerned about the power going than something falling and hitting the house or one of the cars.
But God will take care of us.

I took pictures throughout the day. Here is a series of the tree we had on the porch for Christmas.

8 am:

10 am:

12 pm:

4 pm:

7 pm:

We got about 9 inches here, and areas around us got 10, 12, and more. The weather forecast is for a few more inches overnight. Should be interesting tomorrow.
Thank God that Hub was able to make it to and from work today. And we pray that the roads will be fine for him tomorrow.

In closing, here is one last picture. It is my favorite of the day. I could just squeeze each one of those pink cheeks!

Wordless Wednesday: Christmas Edition

2009-12-16T23:34:00.000-05:00

The tree

All our nativites:

My favorite nativity:

My mother's churches:

Me being silly: