Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's me

I'm struggling. I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time getting into this session of Bible in 90 Days. I'm doing well with the ladies I am mentoring and I have no problem praying for them. But I can't get into the reading. There is something blocking me. And I haven't yet figured out what it is.

Er, that's not entirely true. I'm sitting in front of the computer night after night, watching stupid TV shows. I should be reading, but I'm not. Or at least, if I'm going to spend my evenings watching shows, I should find another time during the day to do my reading. But I find that I stay up too late. I've been watching some on Netflix and there is always another episode (or movie) waiting to be watched. And the clock creeps later and later and yet I still sit and watch. And then I'm so exhausted the next morning I sleep until one of the kids jumps on me. Sigh.

And it's not working for me.

I can feel that I am drifting further and further away from God. And I don't like it. But the human in me is being stubborn and refusing to give up my late nights.

And it's catching up with me. I am crabby, and cranky, and irritable, and I lose my temper easily.


I guess I do know what's blocking my reading. It's me.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind (or not really in the back, it's right up front) I knew that I could catch up in the reading in August. Dino starts football practice on the 1st and I have three days a week, two hours at a time, to sit in the car and read. I did that last year. I really enjoyed those afternoons. I could focus on the Word and really grasp what I was reading.
But I wasn't behind when football started. And I was already in a good place in regards to reading. I wanted to be spending time in the Word. Right now I'm looking at it as a chore, something that has to be checked off my list. And I don't want to do that. I want to read for the right reasons.

And I do want to read right now. I just have to decide which is more important, God or TV. I know the right answer, I just have to act on that knowledge.  And the only way I can do that is with the help of the Holy Spirit. I have no strength to do it on my own. I must rely on Him.

So, from this point forward, I'm doing it. I refuse to give in to my sin nature any longer. I am going to put my Bible reading first, above everything else. I can do this. I will do this.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Comfort Zone

I stepped out of my comfort zone today. It was extremely hard, one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. There were plenty of opportunities for me to back out, but I kept moving forward and did it. And I am so glad I did. I was blessed in doing it and I know I can keep going forward.

So, what did I do you ask? Oh, you weren't asking? Well I'll just pretend you were and tell you anyway. 'Kay?

I like to sing. I'm one of those people you see driving down the road singing at the top of their lungs. I sing to the kids. I sing while doing housework. I don't actually sing in the shower, don't know why. When I was younger (high school and early 20's) I sang with the choir at church. But that's all. I've never sung by myself in front of people other than my family. I get very nervous and shake when I just talk in front of a big group. I am very shy and introverted.
So, it was amazing that I stood in front of the whole church this morning and sang with 3 other people.

I've been praying that God would show me a way that I could be of service to Him. I know that being the wife and mother He wants me to be is being of service, but I wanted to do more if it was something He was asking me to do. So I've been praying that He would show me.

Over the years, people who stood near me in church would tell me I had a good voice. I've heard it from family and friends. But I have never felt like I could do anything about it.
Last summer we started going to a new church. We felt like it was "home"; we knew God was calling us to this church. It has felt right from the beginning. And several of the people had again told me I had a good voice. One lady in particular, one of the pianists, kept telling me I needed to join the music team and sing sometime. I still wasn't ready.
Then a few weeks ago, the lady who is in charge of who sings and plays for the service came up and asked me if I'd join in. She said some little birdies told her I had a good voice. So she asked me if I'd think about it, pray about it, and let her know.

I panicked. But God was very clear. He wanted me doing this. The following Sunday I agreed to be a part of the music team. Then the very first Sunday I was to sing, we had to go out of town at the last minute.
So this morning was my first time. Whoever sings on Sunday morning meets to practice at 8:30. I am not a morning person but was determined to make it. I was a tiny bit late, but I made it. It took all the strength I had in me to make the first step toward the door. Well, scratch that, it took the strength of Jesus to get me in the door. If it had been up to me, I wouldn't have done it.
But it turned out that they weren't practicing until 9:30 this morning. So I had a great way out. I could have just missed completely and I probably wouldn't have been missed because it was an unscheduled change.

But with God's help and strength, I showed up at 9:30 to practice. And even more remarkable, I walked up front during the service when it was time. I put one foot in front of the other and made my way up front.
And again, even more remarkable, when it was time to actually open my mouth and sing, I actually opened my mouth and sang. Me! I still noticed the people, but it ceased being about them and became about Him. I was worshipping Him and the song just came. I stood there very stiff, but my voice was clear and I sang for God, I sang for Jesus. And I am going to go back and do it again next Sunday.

God is so good!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Bible in 90 Days

It's that time again! And I'm so excited!

Excited enough that I will be back later tonight and actually blog about it. Promise. ;-)

What, don't believe me??? Cause my stellar posting record for the past few months doesn't speak for itself?!?

Yeah, I don't completely believe myself either. However, my desire is strong for blogging right now. But this exact minute the children are calling and I have to feed them. But I wanted to get something down so I would feel like I have to blog more later.

I hope it works.