Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's me

I'm struggling. I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time getting into this session of Bible in 90 Days. I'm doing well with the ladies I am mentoring and I have no problem praying for them. But I can't get into the reading. There is something blocking me. And I haven't yet figured out what it is.

Er, that's not entirely true. I'm sitting in front of the computer night after night, watching stupid TV shows. I should be reading, but I'm not. Or at least, if I'm going to spend my evenings watching shows, I should find another time during the day to do my reading. But I find that I stay up too late. I've been watching some on Netflix and there is always another episode (or movie) waiting to be watched. And the clock creeps later and later and yet I still sit and watch. And then I'm so exhausted the next morning I sleep until one of the kids jumps on me. Sigh.

And it's not working for me.

I can feel that I am drifting further and further away from God. And I don't like it. But the human in me is being stubborn and refusing to give up my late nights.

And it's catching up with me. I am crabby, and cranky, and irritable, and I lose my temper easily.


I guess I do know what's blocking my reading. It's me.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind (or not really in the back, it's right up front) I knew that I could catch up in the reading in August. Dino starts football practice on the 1st and I have three days a week, two hours at a time, to sit in the car and read. I did that last year. I really enjoyed those afternoons. I could focus on the Word and really grasp what I was reading.
But I wasn't behind when football started. And I was already in a good place in regards to reading. I wanted to be spending time in the Word. Right now I'm looking at it as a chore, something that has to be checked off my list. And I don't want to do that. I want to read for the right reasons.

And I do want to read right now. I just have to decide which is more important, God or TV. I know the right answer, I just have to act on that knowledge.  And the only way I can do that is with the help of the Holy Spirit. I have no strength to do it on my own. I must rely on Him.

So, from this point forward, I'm doing it. I refuse to give in to my sin nature any longer. I am going to put my Bible reading first, above everything else. I can do this. I will do this.

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