Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Just call me Snaggletooth

Life.... it keeps right on happening even when we want it to slow down.

In the past month, so many things have happened that have given me reason to lean more on God. And yet, I still feel so far away from Him.
A friend from high school lost her 6 year old son. Another friend celebrated her daughter's 15th birthday even though she lost her daughter ten years ago.
Someone I know online lost her husband and must figure out how to raise her two young sons alone.

It's hard to know how to handle such grief.

And I am inadequate.

I am wallowing in my own little world of self-pity. Our car had to be towed to the mechanic. Our computer got a virus and we had to replace it. The boys are growing out of everything they own and need new clothes and shoes ASAP. And last night I lost a cap on one of my front teeth so a trip to the dentist is needed.

And then I feel guilty even spending a moment worrying about these small things when I have friends dealing with so much more.
I shouldn't even be worrying at all.

Matthew 6:25-34
“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
  “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven,
will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
  “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day
is its own trouble.

Very clear, huh?
The day my friend was celebrating her daughter's birthday by visiting her grave, I had a panic attack. I've never had one before and I pray I never will again. Hub took Dino on a hiking trip with some other guys and their sons. I knew they were heading into the mountains and were going to be seeing some waterfalls. I kept picturing Dino falling. Over and over and over again I pictured it. I could feel my heart pounding, my pulse racing, I was sweaty, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I can't imagine life without my boys. I don't want to be without them. I don't wish for them to beat me home.
But I have to rest in Him, I have to trust that He has a plan and it is right. If it is my plan to survive losing a child, so be it. I will have to survive it. And the only way I can is with God's help.

No, that's not quite right. I can't survive it at all. It would only be because God carried me through it, only because of Him. I can do nothing; it is the Holy Spirit in me that does what needs to be done.

Okay, yeah, so I'm really just babbling along here. Not even staying on topic. Huh.  But I feel lighter.
Father, thank you for being my Savior, my Comforter, my Protector, my Lord. Thank you for leading me the right way, for shining the light in the direction I must go. I pray that I will learn to follow Your commands, to live the life You have for me instead of trying to live the life I have in mind for me. Your way is perfect; You have the perfect plan for my life. I want to live that life. With Your help, I can. Lord, protect my family. Keep us all healthy and help us all to live long lives. But if that isn't in our plan, Father I ask that You be with us, carry us through any difficult times. Help us to remember that it is only through You that we can make it. I love You Abba.
In Jesus Holy Name, Amen.

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