Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I'm being an ostrich again. I tend to do this when I go through another depression cycle. I hide from people. In my real life, that's mostly easy to do. Having three kids and homeschooling leaves little time for much else. So I can just stay home like normal. Works out fine. ;-)

But online, when I get to this place, I shut people out. I may visit the same places and offer short thoughts, but for the most part, I hide. Tonight is a perfect example. I have three main places I go online and talk to true friends. Two of the places I've been for over two years; the other is newer. One of the old places is my home. It's where I truly can be me and have some close friends. I love my girls.
The other older place is mostly people I like, and car about, but I don't let the real me free.
And the new place is one where I know that there is potential for some real, tight, true friendships, but while I am getting very personal with some, I am still guarded a bit for now.

So, in my ostrich mode, guess where I've been spending most of my online time?

Did ya guess yet? Hmmmm?

Well, it sure ain't the places I am more the real me. D'uh.

Yeah, I have been spending time with the casual friends. It's so much easier. I don't even have to think about it. Then I wonder what that says about me. And I just don't know. I think that sometimes I just need to...

...well, I don't even know how to finish that. I just can't be me sometimes. And not really that, I just can't be deep sometimes. My close friends know me to be deep, faithful, trying to be holy, trying to have a Christ-like spirit (yes, Terri, that's for you) and sometimes it's too hard. I feel like I'm putting on a front. And it's actually stupid, because these are my true friends, and they love me in the way that matters, in the true spirit of love. So why I feel the need to hide, I just don't know. I do know that it passes faster now than it used to.
It used to stick around for months at a time. But now that I am closer to Christ, I find the strength to go on; He gives me the strength.

So, while I am an ostrich today, maybe tomorrow I'll be a swan!


Michelle said...

Okay...I'm catching on.

Next time, I'll know, and I'll ask about it.


I am blessed! said...

I saw you on blog frog and liked the name of your blog. I homeschool 3 kids using Sonlight, too.

I hope you're feeling more like a swan today:)

Kate said...

Oh Mae...I am praying for you today.

I could have written this post myself.

Sending you a big hug.